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I felt someone push me lightly in my bed. Slowly I opened my eyes letting them get used to the light. When I came to I saw a set of piercing blue eyes. I smiled a goofy grin and yawned.
“Tay you shouldn’t be here, Nick’s getting in any second,” I sighed.
I saw him sit down in my chair and just look at me solemnly. I forced myself up, something was wrong. When I looked at the clock I read it was 10:00am.
“Oh man, I slept in. Tay you really have to go…wait, where’s Nick?”
My stomach churned, I knew for sure something was now wrong.
“Bre, baby sit down, we need to talk,” he soothed.
I felt his arms wrap around me and felt the bed cushion under us.
“Tay, I’ll ask again, where’s Nick?”
“Jane called you. I came here cause’ when Jane couldn’t get a hold of you she called me and sent me here to get you.”
“Tay spit it out, what happened to Nick?” I asked, tears in the corners of my eyes.
“Baby, Nick was in a car accident. He must have lost control of the car and his car fell down a huge embankment. He’s in Yale New Haven Hospital and that’s where the others are. The accident happened close to here, he was rushed into ER right away. I’ll take you down there if you want.”
The words hit me one by one, killing my heart intensely and grievously. Nothing seemed to want to process with me. The words floated in my head, I heard his voice, but what he said didn’t want to make any sense. My body began to tremble and the floodgates in my eyes opened. Once again my life was turned upside down. Tay wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his shoulder.
“Why now? Why? Right before the awards? Is he going to be all right?”
“I…I don’t know,” Tay sighed.
“Why are you here though? Why are you helping me? I thought you would be jumping around with joy if this happened. I just, just,” I mumbled.
“Bre I love you. I don’t want you to do this alone. I know that he makes you happy, so I respect him for that. I would never wish this upon anybody Sweetie, and you know that.” I nodded and slipped on my shoes, not caring what the hell I looked like, “Let’s go.”
“Where did Tay go?” Lynn asked Zac.
They sat in their hotel room, in each other’s arms.
“Nick got in a car accident, he went to go tell Bre,” Zac sighed.
“Man that sure sucks, but why would he care? I mean isn’t that wrong, it doesn’t involve him, does it?”
“It does now,” Zac sighed.
Tay pulled the car up to the hospital. Although he wasn’t 16 yet, he knew how to drive. It was one of the benefits of fame.
“Tay, just go now,” I said getting out of the car.
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“No Tay, this doesn’t involve you right now. I have to do this myself, please. Remember, we love each other and in time we’ll be together. Right now isn’t that time though.”
“I love you, be strong.”
“Bye Tay,” I sighed.
I watched him speed away and then turned to look at the hospital. All I could do was pray. I ran though the doors and found all the guys. AJ quickly took me in his arms and I just cried.
“Is he ok, please tell me he’s ok?” I begged.
He sat me down with the rest of them and Jane came over, giving me a gentle hug. No one said much, it was just a dreary silence.
“Bre, Nick as gone into a coma. He suffered bad head injuries. He didn’t have his seat belt on so his body flew through the windshield and then once the car tumbled again he was trapped underneath,” Jane was able to get out before she began to sob.
My heart seemed to stop, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt AJ wrap his arms around me and I continued to cry into his shoulder, shaking every once in a while. He just stroked my hair and tried to calm me with his words.
“Why him, he doesn’t deserve this, it’s not fair to any of us. What about the awards?” I questioned.
“We’re all still going, including you. You have to be the one to explain this to the fans. We talked to MTV and they have allotted you time. The fact is everyone talks about you, and you deserve your time to speak,” Brian sighed.
“Are you kidding me? I’m not talking about this, I’m not leaving…I belong here,” I cried.
AJ held me tighter as he spoke, “No, Nick won’t know your gone and even if your not here, you’ll be here in spirit. You need to speak, you deserve the chance.”
I just nodded and continued to cry, letting it all out of my system.
The limo and Boys would be picking me up any minute and I was more nervous then ever. I had already talked to Tay about the whole situation. He had come over and sat with me while I got my hair and makeup done. We didn’t say much, all I needed was him around me to feel safe. He left me with one last kiss, not knowing when we would speak again.
The car ride there was quiet besides the Boy’s telling me Nick’s current status, which hadn’t changed. They explained how the night would work but I just couldn’t listen. All I thought about was Nick, how this could have happened. Then I contemplated my status with Taylor why I could get him off my mind…and no matter how upset I was, he made me smile.
When we got to the venue I saw the reporters, I had forgotten about the red carpet. Tears glassed over my eyes as the car doors opened. The Boys got out one by one, not having their girlfriends with them. Although Leigh and the others were suppose to come it was best decided they didn’t. I felt my footstep out of the car and watched AJ take my hand. Thousands of flashes blinded me and all the questions became one annoying buzz in my ears. I felt AJ try to push me along but I couldn’t move. I was trapped in this group of vultures trying to learn my every move. Finally I put on the best smile I could and walked down the carpet, clinging to AJ with all my might.
“Good girl,” he whispered into my ear.
The show had begun and I had waved to Taylor and the others. They were sitting right on the other side of us…not that we didn’t know it was going to happen like that. During commercial breaks I had received a lot of ‘I’m sorry’ from artists and fans. Then there were the glares of disgust and the remarks that could hurt anybody’s ego, not that I had one anyway. I was going to make my speech when the commercial break was over.
“Come on, let me take you backstage,” AJ said softly.
People watched in silence as we both got up and walked away. Life was so embarrassing when everyone cared about your every move. Taylor just smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I smiled and gave one back, AJ just watched and sighed.
“First time you smiled all night,” he pointed out.
“Huh?” I said turning to him.
“You heard me, he was the only one to make you smile all night. You still love him, I’m not blind.”
“Just, just take me backstage AJ.”
He walked me silently to where I needed to be. I figured he was disgusted with me, for not knowing how to live me life, or not knowing what I wanted with my life.
“Go do your thing, I have to go back now,” he said angrily.
He gave me a kiss on the cheek and bolted off. I felt a stage man push me over to the edge of the stage.
“Get ready to walk out,” he smiled.
Nick’s eyes winced open and adjusted to the light. His ears hummed and then heard the sound of the TV.
“Nick!” his mother shouted, “Oh thank God your alive!”
I didn’t die, I have to die,he thought to himself. He couldn’t say anything, his whole face hurt like hell. He was able to motion for his mother to be quiet as he focused on the TV.
“And now, a woman you’ve all heard of, Breanne.”
Nick just watched in shock.
I walked out onto the stage, my knees shaking and palms sweating. I tried to smile as I saw people stand and applaud. The few boo’s I heard I shrugged off as immaturity. I directed my gaze into Taylor’s eyes and he seemed to be the only one out there, I smiled at him and waved.
“Hi,” I began softly, “The fact is I have nothing prepared to say. All I know is that I have been given the time to talk and I will be advantageous to do so. There’s plenty I want to say, and I will risk saying it. I’ll start off by telling you what most of you probably already know. My boyfriend, Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys, was in a car accident this morning. He was badly injured and is now in critical condition, in a coma,” I sighed heavily as tears welled again in my eyes.
“The hardest thing in life is loss, and I’ve gone through way too much. Nick is one of those people that you just fall in love with when you see them. Maybe you don’t believe in love at first sight, but he made me a believer. He was more of a friend, confidant, then anything else to me. As he lies there right now, he still is. Please, all of you pray for him, he needs all of you right now.”
The crowd began to clap and yell. I smiled slightly and straightened my posture, ready to talk more. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I knew what I was about to say would spark controversy…but I didn’t give a damn. I looked into Tay’s eyes and saw the same tears and pain reflected in mine.
“You all have made me out to be something I’m not. Hanson fans hate me because I was dating Taylor, Backstreet Boy fans hate me because I’m dating Nick. Now it seems that everyone hates me because I left one for the other. What I don’t understand is why everyone has to have an opinion on my life…it’s my life. I don’t understand why people want to know about my life, why they care so much about my actions. I wasn’t put on this earth to be famous…when I was little I didn’t think I would be on this stage…I didn’t want to be on this stage. Yet, I’m standing here, having to defend myself for things that I shouldn’t have to. I am a normal 16-year-old girl, like each of you up there. Except what makes me different is that my life is pried into, like it’s some sort of fairy tale…and its not, it’s really not. What you all have to understand is that love comes on many different levels. Taylor is and always will be my first true love, but sometimes in order for that love to show you have to release it, let it fend for itself. He didn’t understand that at first, but now he does, just as Nick and I do. I fell in love with Nick and although the love I have with him is not as strong as what I feel for Taylor, it’s what I need in my life. You don’t have to believe what I say, listen to it even…I’m not here to preach to you. I don’t want to push my beliefs on you, hell I don’t even know any of you. I truly don’t know where I’ll end up, but I do know that I will end up happy. It took everything I held inside of me to come up here and tell you this…but I did, and I succeeded. Thank you.”
I nodded my head and wiped my tears as I looked out into the sea of faceless people. There was a dreary silence, no one knew what to think. Suddenly I watched as Taylor stood up and began to clap, just smiling at me from ear to ear. Slowly, one by one the rest of the audience stood, smiling at me as well and faces began to appear. The only face I paid mind to was Taylor’s. I watched him make a heart with his hands…I knew it was mine.
Nick watched as she said her last words. Suddenly, he felt lightheaded, yet content. He felt he was loved and everything he lived for had just rushed through his body. The feeling was incredible and he had never felt safer. He finally understood that he did the right thing as he took one last look at her on the screen.
“I love you Bre,” he whispered faintly.
Jane looked at him, her mouth quivering, tears streaming. She didn’t call a doctor, she just watched her son take his last breath and close his eyes forever.
I walked slowly off stage, tears streaming down my face. I just sighed heavily, it was over with. Once I got off stage I didn’t even turn back, I headed straight to my seat.
“Wait!”
I turned and saw one of the stage personal calling to me. He held my arm and just looked at me.
“Commercial break will be over in a minute or so, please we need you to go back up there and read the teleprompter,” he practically begged.
“What? Why me? What’s this about?” I questioned.
I just felt him pull me back to the backstage area.
“Just read what it says please. You can say what you’d like as well.”
“Listen, I really can’t do this,” I sniffled.
“You’re on!” he yelled.
My eyes bugged out as my names was called back out for a second time. I slowly and gracefully walked back out onto the stage. I stood at the podium, shaking more then the first time.
“Well before I read this teleprompter I want to apologize for being back out here. These are the music awards and I shouldn’t be doing all this,” I pretended to laugh, “But I guess they didn’t have anyone to read this teleprompter or the information I’m about to read so bare with me. I have no clue what I’m about to read so I’m sorry if I mess up,” I smiled fakely.
I looked out into the sea of silent and confused people who made me feel more uncomfortable. Then I noticed Taylor’s smiling face and that was all I needed.
“Alright, here we go. It has been declared that five minutes ago at 8:25pm,” I began reading mechanically, “Nickolas Gene Carter has…” I stopped.
Was this some kind of sick joke? I saw the words scroll onto the teleprompter but I couldn’t enunciate them. My throat dried up and my hands gripped tightly onto the podium as my knees gave out. People began shouting for me to keep reading, the tears began again. The room began to spin and my head felt light on my shoulders.
“Nickolas Gene Carter has…has…NO!” I cried, “NO THIS CAN’T BE!”
I looked to my side at the people backstage, all of them telling me to keep going…this was live TV, “Why didn’t someone tell me THIS IS WHAT I HAD TO READ?” I cried, “God, NO, why did you have to do this to him, me?!”
The room went silent and I released the podium falling to the ground. My legs were numb and I hid my face in shame. This had to have been the most painful moment of my life, and all these people were watching me. All I could do was cry, cry and pray that someone would come save me.
Taylor’s heart fell to the bottom of his stomach. He couldn’t believe this was happening to her, this wasn’t fair. He knew that MTV was just looking for attention and he was fumed that they were getting it through hurting his love. He looked around, noticing that none of the Backstreet Boys even rose to go help her, so he was going to fix the situation. Bravely he stood up and calmly walked on the stage. He heard the gasps and shocked faces of the crowd but he didn’t care, he was following his heart. Slowly he picked her off the floor and held her in his arms. Everyone watched as he stroked her back and she soaked his shirt in tears. She hid her face as he began to speak.
“This was wrong and I hope MTV knows this. I will aid Bre in what she was suppose to read and read it for her. At 8:25pm Nick Carter passed away Yale New Haven Hospital in Connecticut.”
He watched as the Backstreet Boys looked stunned, tear stricken. Curdling cries came from fans and Tay just shook his head in disbelief. Although he wasn’t on good terms with Nick it wasn’t fair, life wasn’t fair. He held in the tears and just asked God why.
“Never had there been a man with more poise or class and although him and I weren’t close I thank him immensely for keeping my angel happy.”
I lifted my head and just smiled at him, my heart warmed with his words. I held his hand as he spoke.
“Everyone please pray for his bandmates and family tonight. He will be a man not soon forgotten.”
I just nodded my head and cried staring at him. He wrapped me in his arms and helped me off stage whispering sweet ‘I love you’s’ in my ear. Tay wrapped his arms around me tighter as we got backstage. I quickly pushed him away as he tried to hold me closer.
“Bre come on baby…” he began.
“No, all right? Just…just no! I’m leaving and you need to stay here. Don’t come running after me, I want to be alone for a while. I’m confused, angry and upset, I don’t want you around right now.”
I threw my hands into the air and ran. I didn’t turn around to see his grief stricken face. I just wanted to get out of there…get away from everything.
A few days had passed since the awards, Nick’s death. The fact was I stopped counting the days, I just tried to stop living. I wanted time to stop dead in its tracks, have the whole population wait for me…weep with me, cry a tear every time I did. No one did though, it seemed as though I was the only one hurting this bad and I couldn’t understand why. Then realization would hit…I was in love. The other band members would call, AJ called more then three times a day. He said he was just checking in…I knew he was calling to make sure I was alive. Whenever I never answered the phone he would start screaming into the answering machine, begging me to pick up. Then there was Brian, who just wanted to constantly talk about Nick with me, and I just couldn’t. Bringing him up in conversation only hurt more, and when I wouldn’t talk with Brian he thought it was just my vanity kicking in. I didn’t have vanity…I had nothing. I wasn’t going to go to Nick’s funeral or anything of the sort. I didn’t care if people thought of me as selfish or egotistical. The fact was I couldn’t go through with seeing him like that…dead. My parents still weren’t home and they would call to ask how I was when they heard the news…but I knew they didn’t really care. The baby was due in a month and they were staying home for good. The way I saw it…I go back to Tulsa and all there will be are memories of Tay and I. Memories that I want to be reality.
Slowly I got off my bed and walked into the kitchen. For the first time in two days I was thirsty. I walked to the door with my coke and looked into the mailbox. There was only one letter. I took a sip of coke and wrinkled my nose.
“How odd, only one letter…”I sighed.
I took the envelope in my hands and closed the door. The writing looked familiar on the outside and there was no return address.
“To Miss Breanne Bodie,” I said softly as I read the outside of the envelope, “Hmm…”
I walked back to my room and carefully opened the letter. Suddenly I dropped my soda on the floor, not caring about the spill.
“Oh my God…” I gasped as I began to read what was in front of me.
Dear Breanne,
Sad how love ends, isn’t it? No, this letter is not meant to be cynical and I’m sorry if some of it comes off that way, it wasn’t done intentionally…ok well maybe some of it was. I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip either…that will happen on its own. In fact I bet you already have that guilty feeling, baby doll…please don’t.
Yes, it’s me Nick…yes I’m dead. How did I know I was going to die? Funny you ask that, I guess it’s time to explain…
I killed myself. Seemingly amusing how three little words can cause such an excruciating amount of pain and suffering, isn’t it? Well considering my status I suppose so at least. People are upset right? I would hope I left an imprint on society somehow. Anyway darling, I committed suicide. Oh, another small but deadly word…kind of funny though. I purposely crashed my car…but of course I covered it well and made it look like an accident. Why you ask? Oh, here’s an even BETTER story to tell…
No I didn’t go insane…ok maybe I went insanely in love with you, but could you blame me? Look at you, you’re smile, charisma, poise, talent. Baby you are the perfect girl, anyone who is with you radiates your energy. I wasn’t worthy enough, well I thought I was. See you didn’t love me…well maybe, but not as you love Taylor. That’s why I killed myself. To see you depressed everyday of your life because you’re with me and not Taylor…I couldn’t go through that. And Baby I knew you wouldn’t leave me, your too kind hearted. So I figured this…kill myself and then everything would go right again. You would be with Tay and I could move on. I can’t ever stop loving you Bre, and to see you with Tay again would kill me. So I took it in my own hands to bring my life to its fateful end. Somehow things became unclear and we all messed up, the fact is now we just have to pay for our mistakes.
Don’t think I did this to punish you or to hurt you, although I know that you will think that no matter what I say to you. Baby, I did this because I love you and I want you to be truly happy. I love you and now I can love you forever and watch your every move. From now on I’ll be your guardian angel.
Please don’t tell anyone else about the truth. You may tell Tay, in fact show him this letter. Let him know I trust him completely with your heart and soul. He’s lucky to have a goddess like you. Besides him, keep this within the three of us.
I know you probably won’t go to my funeral and I don’t mind. I didn’t expect you to, but do know that I have left you what I cherish the most…my heart.
But now it’s time for me to ascend into the heavens. Please take a minute after reading this to feel my arms around you…forever will they stay. I love you and may your life be everything you want it to be and more…I will try to give you the world. But for someone like you the world’s not enough.
Love,
Nick
I tried to catch my breath…I could barely breathe. There was just so much information…none that I wanted to accept or believe.
“How could you do this Nick? If you loved me you wouldn’t have hurt me…” my voice trailed, “…And I wouldn’t have hurt you.”
I felt guilty and dirty and as though I betrayed.
“What do I do now? Huh Nick, what? I can’t go run to Tay, not yet. I don’t want to admit to myself that he’s what I want, but he is,” I cried, “I love you so much Nick, but this, giving me your life. I don’t know what to think, is it a burden or a blessing? You tell me Nick, you said your going to help me, watch over me, then tell me. What do I do now?” I screamed.
My tears poured down like rain and suddenly the wind blew his letter out the window.
“Shit!” I screamed running after it. I couldn’t let the only piece of him I had left leave me as he did. My mouth dropped when I looked outside. Tay stood there, right below my window with the letter, just staring.
“This wasn’t the answer I wanted Nick,” I said softly.
Tay didn’t say anything, he just reached up and gave me the letter, not even bothering to see what it was. I took it from his hand and he began to walk away. He wasn’t happy, but not sad either…almost as if he knew what I knew…we were meant to be.
I fell back onto my bed, clutching the letter to my breast. My breathing was ragged and my mind raced. For the first time in my life I was going to do what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. Yet at the same time I was scared out of my mind. I just looked out the window.
“I love you so much Nick, but I belong with Taylor. He owns my heart for always. I have to do what you said, I have to be happy. I’ll always remember this and I’ll always feel guilty. How can a person not? But I will always feel honored as well. I am doing this for you baby.”
My hands shook as I picked up the phone and booked a flight to Tulsa for tomorrow. I was going home.
Back to Tulsa: A Love and Hate Story
Chapter 45...The Last Chapter