I will tell you now, before I go much further, I don’t remember everything that’s happened in my life, except the events and week that led up to my being here. I remember that week more clearly then what goes on around me as I write.

Well, it was a normal Monday morning, you know the type of morning that hangs so heavy that you can’t even get out of bed. I remember that it was the middle of March and school work was beginning to take it’s rein. At first I thought everything was perfect, I was getting fine grades for my IQ. Unfortunately, as the year progressed my thoughts diminished and I realized that the courses I had were MUCH harder then expected. Worse off, there was this boy...his name was Taylor. He had to have been the most intriguing boy in the whole school, and not to mention the most good looking, in my opinion. The only problem was me. I am the shy girl, still am. I can’t just go up to a guy and introduce myself. Knowing that he was out there, and didn’t even know I walked this earth, it hurt. Especially considering I practically worshipped the ground he walked on. Needless to say that this Monday was going to be no better then the last. I still had the pain and agony of giving love, but not having it given back. Of course the pressures of school were enviable.

“Skye, Skylar get up right now! You are going to be late!” my mother shouted to me.

The lights in my room flicked on and the bright light burnt my eyes as I sat up and groaned.

“Mom I really don’t want to go to school, do I have to?” I moaned.

“Skylar, of course you do, it’s not like your sick. Now come on, you are my girl, you are strong and you can deal with school. What can possibly be so bad?” she sighed.

I watched her walk out my door. If you only knew, I thought to myself as I slipped my satin sheets off my body.

I stretched once and then rubbed the tiredness out of my eyes.

“Another long day ahead of me,” I smirked fakely as I slipped into my bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror, the emotion was pretty much compiled of very few feelings, but strong feelings at that. The emotion was pain, anger, disgrace and disgust.

“God am I ugly,” I sighed as I rubbed my face looking at the oily skin, or at least what I thought was oily.

I continued to stare. My long auburn hair wasn’t anything that special, a lot of girls had long hair. I just never wanted to cut it, I never liked short hair. My eyes were a bright green, probably the most expressive part of my body, the most unique. My body itself was curvy and definitely not considered skinny in my book. The mirror to me was one of the most important items in my life. Every morning I looked into and hoped to see a different reflection, a beautiful reflection. The mirror showed the true me, and when I was alone I would talk into it. I would have fake conversations that I only wish I had the guts to say.

“God I constantly work out and look at this flab,” I sighed as I pinched my stomach, “Whatever.”

I stepped into the shower and let the hot water bead down my back. As the hot water ran down my back it felt like strength. I felt as if the beads of water were my energy and one-way ticket to the world I would be stepping out into very shortly. My skin turned a dark crimson as the hot water pounded on it and I let out a heavy sigh. I thought of Taylor, what he was doing at that very moment. He was probably still in his bed, having dreams of his band making it big one day. That’s what Taylor excelled in, music, and music was my outlet. Listening to it always calmed me down, especially his voice. The sound of the running water from the shower brought be back to reality. Each drop hitting the floor to the shower felt like another aspect of the day, would it go right, or wrong? No one would be able to know for sure. For some reason these showers always seemed to calm me down and get me ready for the day ahead.

I walked to school that morning, even though it was brisk outside. I didn’t live that far, a few blocks at the most. In the Winter it was the worst because of the cold and horrible weather. I remember stepping into the school and putting on that facade that I constantly bared. I didn’t want to have sympathy given to me. I knew that I was having a hard time and fighting a battle within myself, but others didn’t need to as well.

I put my books in my locker and took out the ones I needed, sighing at the weight that was put on my back from my backpack. I stood there for a few minutes, waiting for August so we could head upstairs to find Jules. When I finally saw her I quickly waved and smiled as she gave me a hug and opened her locker. You couldn’t miss August with her perfect figure and long blond hair, she really did look like someone out of a magazine.

“So how was your weekend Skye?” she asked.

“Good, sorry I couldn’t hang out with you and Jules, I just needed some time alone. Hey hurry up I wanna head upstairs, Tay might be up there,” I sighed smiling smugly.

“Taylor?” she said as she reached up to get a few books.

“Yeah I...” I trailed off, “Oh my God, look,” I practically shouted.

She quickly looked and smiled at my expense, “God, chill out, you scared me! I thought it was like something important. You should just go say ‘hi’ to him, or something, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“Yes I can,” I fought back, “I can’t just go up to him and be like, ‘Hi you don’t know me but want to go out?’ It’s just hopeless.” The back of my head banged into the locker as I sighed.

“No it’s not, your just hopeless,” she joked, “Come on let’s head upstairs, he’ll be going upstairs soon.”

I know I’m hopeless, I said to myself. It upset me that she said that. I knew she was kidding, and I knew that she didn’t know all of what was going on...but it still hurt.

When we got upstairs we quickly spotted out Jules and walked over to her locker. I liked hanging out there because Taylor’s locker was right by hers. Jules was much different then August or I, she had short red hair and a decent figure, better then mine at least. Jules gave August and I both hugs and then we just started to have our daily morning conversation.

“So Skye do you know about Tay’s band doing a gig at the Shamrock on Friday night?” Jules asked me.

The Shamrock was a local hangout that Tay’s band played at a lot. The last time they were there I remember I wasn’t able to go because of a family thing. I really wanted to go, and I was going to go this time.

“No, they are?! Guys we have to go, please!?” I practically begged.

I turned a little red when I saw him walk down the hall. Of course he was with his entourage of people, girls mostly. None of the girls he hung with had feelings like I did, they were just friends. Somehow though I was still overly jealous.

“Chill out!” August laughed, “Of course we’ll go.”

I just smirked and watched as Jules and August laughed along. I drifted my attention away from my two friends and my eyes glued on the figure in the group of people near us. He stood there, with his head-phones on his ears. Sometimes I even wondered if he listened to what the girls talked about, or just stood there because he had no where else to stand. His figure was kind of pushed to the side from his backpack, and his clothes were very baggy. He was the skater type, and I couldn’t fight about that. I liked everything he enjoyed, we did have a lot in common. His shoulder length blond hair hung in a pony tail on the back of his head, his hair was always perfect. Sometimes a few strands would come loose and lay in front of his face, I absolutely loved it. The blue of his eyes always hypnotized me. They took me to a calming place, they were like pools of water. I could only imagine what they looked like close up, and God I wish I knew. I shook my head and looked back at my friends.

“Earth to Skye?” Jules laughed hard.

“Huh?” I responded back.

“God, you are so infatuated, I sometimes wonder if it really is love, or just pure infatuation,” Jules moaned.

“It’s love, love in the most pure and raw state. You just haven’t experienced it yet. When you do you will see what it’s like to be in my place,” I sighed.

They both just shook their heads and waved bye as they headed to their first class. We would meet up again at lunch. The three of us were lucky enough to have lunch together and I was glad because I didn’t get to see them anymore that day.

My day had gone horrible, failing my tests that I had taken, getting in trouble for not paying attention. It was just awful, and mostly was caused from my preoccupation on Taylor. When I walked out of school that afternoon I looked around for Tay. Everyday I would look and find him, just so the vision of him would stay in my head all night. When I caught a glimpse of him I smiled to myself. Time seemed to freeze and my whole body tensed up, in a good way. It felt as though he and I were the only ones there, the only ones that mattered. Suddenly I was jolted back into reality when someone shoved me to the side.

“Move it!” they yelled.

I turned red and ran off, noticing that Taylor had seen what happened and just gave a confused look. My bad day just turned horrible, I just wanted it over. When I looked back one last time...he was gone.

I got home later then usual, taking my time walking, kicking stones into the road. My back ached from all the books and I quickly threw down my backpack and tossed my jacket on a random chair. I wasn’t going to bother with homework, that’s what study hall was for. I noticed I had received a new magazine in the mail and fell onto my bed opening it up and flipping through it quickly.

“God their all the same, most humiliating moment, body talk, crap,” I laughed aloud to myself.

Suddenly an article caught my attention. I sprawled out more comfortably and read it quietly. I learned it was about self-mutilation and how it helped this one girl with her deep stress and depression. The rest of the article talked about how she almost died from blood loss because it was so deadly and such, but I didn’t care about that. All I cared about was that it helped her.

“It could help me,” I said aloud, “I don’t care about statistics, I just want to do something about my pain, I can’t stand it.”

This was the turning point in my teenage life, or at least as of yet. I had never had to have made such a decision. I knew what I was about to do was deadly, but worth it to me. I threw down the magazine and ran into the bathroom. I found a small pin and rubbed it with alcohol. I took a big gasp when it scratched my skin lightly, and a tear fell too. Barely a trickle of blood came from my forearm but it was enough. I saw it and completely began to feel calm. I felt as if all of the bad vibes were leaving me. When I looked into the mirror I actually smiled. I felt in control and it felt great. The pungent red blood made me sigh in relief.

For the next three days I continued to cut myself, and kept it quiet and to myself. At first I wasn’t going to continue cutting. I figured that I did it once and that was it. But then it became something I couldn’t stop. As the week became progressively worse, the cutting did as well. I began to cut more and more, deeper and deeper. The cutting began to symbolize how bad my life was getting. Somehow though, when I cut the bad just left and I was able to relax, it did help. I continued to realize that what I was doing was wrong, but it distinguished me too. As long as no one knew I was fine. I would do it during school a few times when I was alone, and when I was home alone. Some people began to get worried about me, not knowing why I wore so many layers of clothing, and why my arms looked swollen, but I just ignored them.

I was more excited then anything because it was Friday. Not only was my day being maintained because of my master mutilation skills, but I was also going to be seeing Tay at the local hangout. I couldn’t wait to see his band play. There wasn’t that many people going, so it would be nice. I ate quietly at lunch while August and Jules laughed at something.

“Hey, Skye, did you just hear the joke August told? It was hilarious!” Jules laughed full heartily.

“Oh no, sorry,” I laughed lightly.

“Skye is something wrong? Do you not feel well? I mean you have on a sweatshirt and it’s an awesome day out, wanna talk?” August asked in a concerned tone.

“No I am fine, just cold. I guess I must just be cold blooded,” I mused.

Neither of my friends laughed at the joke. I guess they didn’t like my humor as much as I did theirs.

“She is probably just quiet cause’ she’s excited about tonight,” Jules smiled as she nudged me.

“I am, and I have had Tay on my mind a lot lately.”

“You ALWAYS have Taylor on your mind. Why don’t you just go up to him tonight and start a conversation?” Jules asked.

“Why would he want to talk to a stranger? A loser too,” I sighed.

“Your not a loser, and you won’t be a stranger if you go up to him,” August cut in.

“Whatever,” I groaned not wanting to fight.

I was in a good mood about tonight but I was also very nervous. I didn’t know what I was going to say, or wear because of my arms. Most of all I was beginning to really want to talk to him, and that only got me more scared. How would I do that?

I walked home as early as possible from school. The air was crisp and cold, I remember looking up at the clouds that day. The clouds seemed to represent certain aspects of my life. Some looked so beautiful and I imagined Taylor and I together in them. I could almost swear I saw his face. A tear fell when I saw other oddly shaped clouds, picturing myself...the messed up one. When I reached the house I quickly rampaged through the rooms and got down to business. My parents were going to be home in a few hours so I needed to get my “chore” done with as soon as possible. I also had to do my homework or I wouldn’t have been able to go. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I never went, if I never did that work.

Jules, August and I stood at the door of the Shamrock and waited for our turn to pay to get in.

“Eight dollars,” the doorman said in a husky voice.

We all paid our tickets and then entered the musky room. It seemed like one of those rooms, the smoke filled ones...the ones you see in the movies. It was always like that though, nothing really changed about the Shamrock. They had a few adjacent rooms on either side of the large room where everyone gathered to see the show. We were pretty much some of the only girls there. I was kind of excited about that, because I had more of a chance to catch his eye, but it only made me more antsy. Not only that but I was sweating from my long sleeved shirt. We sat down close to the stage to talk for a little while.

“Skye are you SURE your not too hot, you seem it,” August sighed.

I knew they were really beginning to catch on, and I was beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable around them.

“Yeah I am fine, it’s not like its summer,” I chuckled.

Both girls nodded and I sighed a little in relief. When the show began I screamed out and let the band, especially Taylor know my appreciation of the music. I was mesmerized by the way he moved. Sweat sat on his brow, and you could tell that he was tired from singing towards the end of the show. The lights beat down to make his hair shine, and his blue eyes perturbed outward. When the hour long show ended I just wished they would do it all over again. Most of all, if they thought their voices hurt, they should think again, mine hurt from screaming constantly.

“Guys, I am going to go to the bathroom and then just hang out a little on my own,” I winked.

“All right,” they laughed together, “Good luck.”

I gave them a thumbs up as I headed to the bathroom. When the show ended I had tensed up and got an urge to cut myself because of the nervousness I had. I knew that I was crumbling and I knew that what I first thought was power, was now helplessness. When I got into the bathroom I made sure no one was around and then cut myself. I sat there silently for a little while, letting the tears fall. Practically no blood came out, I had drained myself in more ways then one. I left my sleeves rolled up as I cleaned myself and then just sobbed.

“Why am I doing this? Why do I love him so much?!” I cried, screamed and at the same time slid down the bathroom wall.

“I don’t know why do you?” a voice asked.

I looked up and then screamed turning red.

“Taylor! What are you doing in here? This is the girl’s room, get out!” I cried.

Why the hell did you just yell at him? This is the first time you actually get to meet him, you are so stupid! I yelled to myself.

Then I realized my arms were still showing, my tears were, how much did he hear? I was completely exposed. Quickly, I scurried to my feet and rolled down my sleeves. I looked at him, his hair a little messed up from performing. His eyes were still the beautiful blue and his shirt had sweat stains from the heat. I turned from him in shame, this wasn’t how I wanted him to get to know me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned again, he looked me straight in the eyes.

“Why are you doing this to yourself? Let’s talk,” he soothed.

“You don’t even know my name,” I cried.

“It’s Skye. I do know your name, I just don’t know you.

I do know now that you like me too, so you don’t have to hide your feelings,” he smiled slightly as he sat with me on the floor.

He extended his arm, “Name’s Tay.”

“Hi, I’m Skye,” I laughed slightly.

I felt him drape his arm around my shoulder and then smile again, “Now why are you doing this?”

“Life. I hate it, I can’t stand it. I used to be a great student and person, then my life crumbled. My grades became harder to maintain and then, then there’s you,” I said so softly I was surprised he heard me.

“Tell me about me,” he said as he took my other hand in his, “I know we don’t really know each other, but I think it’s about time. So what better way then letting you talk first.”

I just looked him in the eyes. People had said that he was somewhat mean, but nothing radiated off him but concern and, could it be love?

“Well I...I love you. I know that I don’t completely know you, but I do know I love you. It’s like I always saw you, and I always studied you. You intrigued me and gave me butterflies. The only problem is you didn’t even know who I was or noticed me, and it hurt me so bad. I didn’t have any control in the situation, it was a deadly loop that would never be unbroken. So I started to do this to myself, to release my depression, anger, sadness and all. At first it worked and I felt in control, now all I feel is helpless. I still feel alone and you still don’t know me,” I cried harder.

He helped my head onto his shoulder and I let myself just cry. The scent of his cologne smelt amazing.

“I did notice you. Why do you think I came in here? You seemed like a semi quiet person, but it wasn’t you to be dressing like you did. Most of all I knew you weren’t as quiet as you were. I watched you from the side and I made accusations, and they were right too. I had a hunch that you had feelings for me and I was right. You could have just talked to me. I’m a cool guy, I wouldn’t have minded if you looked dorky, I do all the time. We’re only human you know, we make mistakes, but sometimes those mistakes are the best moves we ever make.”

I looked up into his eyes and smiled, he smiled back. This was the true Taylor, this was the way I wanted us to be. I knew that it shouldn’t have happened this way, but for some odd reason I was kind of glad it did. He learned the real me and I learned the real him. I felt him brush my tears away with his thumb and I felt chills go up my spine.

“So you know what we have to do now,” he said softly.

“You said we,” I choked out.

“Well you can’t possibly think I will leave you alone in this battle, I’ll help you. But it’s going to take a lot more then me,” he sighed.

“I think I know what we have to do,” I said looking down, “And I really don’t want to.”

He stood up and I saw his hand extended out to grab mine. I placed mine in his and he pulled me up and into his arms. He kissed my forehead lightly and held me tight.

“Let’s go, I’ll help you through this,” he smiled.

Well that’s my story, like I told you, it’s kind of hard to believe. I look back on it now and have really mixed feelings about it all. It’s been a two weeks since the whole incident. He had walked me all the way home and then my parents got me help, I got me help. After many therapy sessions my parents knew it was best if I left home for a bit. I now live in a small home type complex for girls just like me, or who were like me. I no longer cut myself, and to be honest it feels good. What keeps me going everyday? I have a picture of Taylor on my night stand and every time I feel like I can’t go on I just look at it. I know that in a month I will be out of here, and the first thing I will do is see him. He hasn’t come to visit me here, even though the whole world knows where I am. I can’t blame him though, it’s a little weird here. When I do get out though, he will be the first person I see. All I need to do is thank him, and then maybe start a friendship, which I hope will lead into a relationship. I’m not going to keep all my feelings inside anymore, I just can’t. I won’t let this happen again. Because of the schooling here, which I have kept up with I can go right back to school. Nervous about it? Yes. Afraid? No, because I’m not the only person like this. I know now that my life isn’t all that bad. I have met the man of my dreams, that I hope will become the man of my life. I have great friends, and family too. Now looking out the window while writing this, I notice the sun is out again, just like it was the day I walked home that Friday...which is a good thing.

Skye quickly saved her story on her computer when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. She wasn’t sure if she wanted anyone to see what she had written yet. It had made her feel better, the best she had in a while, but it was still very personal.

“Oh, hi nurse. I don’t think it’s time for my medication yet, is it?” Skye questioned.

“No dear, you have a very VERY special guest,” the nurse smiled.

Skye grinned, knowing that August or Jules had come to see her again. It was a Saturday and normally they came to visit her. She had made sure she looked good, making her hair and makeup prefect, wearing a light blue sun dress. She always liked to look good for her friends, and liked to show off her now, perfect arms. She watched the nurse leave and then gasped at the figure in the doorway.

“Tay!” she screeched.

“Hi,” he smiled, “How’s my angel?”

Skye grinned widely as she stared at him. His blond hair was still in the perfect pony tail on the back of his head and his red lips formed a cute smile. His blue eyes looked straight into hers. She saw a single rose in his hands and took it as he handed it to her and embraced her. The hug seemed to last a lifetime.

“She’s doing much better,” she smiled as she hugged him.

He looked her into the eyes, and then slowly but sweetly kissed her...her first kiss of her new life.

Mail the Author Breon2000@aol.com

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