Years had passed since the day Nick buried Kayla, and started his new life with his child. Fourteen years in fact. He named his daughter Heaven, because he knew that Kayla was on her way there and so was his daughter. The day after he brought Heaven home his life became clear. Although he still loved all the guys, he quit being a Backstreet Boy. None of the boys could blame him. He had spent over six years of his life living it for thousands of people, now at the age of thirty four, he finally wanted to live it for four people. Heaven, Kayla, God and Himself. The rest of the guys never continued with the band either. Leigh-Anne became pregnant not long after her and Brian were married in September and she had a twins, both beautiful baby boys. They stayed in Florida as Nick did. AJ had since married Angel and they moved away to California. They bought a quiet house in the hills. They kept in touch as much as possible. Howie never married Alicia, instead he ended up marrying a woman named Dawn who was a well endowed doctor. They moved up to Maine to live their life, keeping in touch as AJ and Angel did. Kevin and Kirsten were married in November of 2000 and had four children, three girls and a boy. Their family was beautiful and most of all happy living back in Lexington. They all got together on Holidays and birthdays, always making the long hauls. What they had all gone through together was more then anyone could say they had ever experienced, something they all were grateful for in the long run.

* * *

Nick closed the book and looked at Heaven laying in her bed under her covers with tears streaming down her face. She just looked up at her father and he saw the pain and hurt in her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Mom earlier dad?” she asked softly.

“Heaven, I couldn’t. First off because I wanted to do it right. I wanted to write you this story so you knew exactly what went on. I want you to know what was said, what I thought and what your mother thought too. Your fourteen now and I know that you can handle these things now. But I don’t want you to dwell. It took me fourteen years to write this, and it took me fourteen years to realize that your mother was an amazing woman. I let her go Heaven, you need to as well,” he said wiping her tears and laying under the covers with her.

She laid in her fathers arms, “I just never knew. I mean I knew that you were a Backstreet Boy. I mean you guys are like History and I can’t get away from that fact, but I like to know that you accomplished so much, I look up to you. And I now know how strong Mommy was. But I just...” she began crying again, “I just never knew that she died like that, or that my real father hated me so much, or my other grandparents,” she cried harder.

He held her closer, “No one could ever hate you Heaven, no one. Aubrey was a bad man and a bastard in the worst sense of the word. But he never hated you, and I know you’ve never met your other grandparents, but that doesn’t mean they hate you. They are probably to scared,” he said stroking her hair, “God you look so much like your Mom,” he whispered slightly crying.

“I don’t want to meet them Dad, promise me I will never have to,” she begged.

“You won’t sweetie, I would never let it happen,” he promised.

They sat for a little while in silence, he let her just come to senses about the whole thing. He knew it was a lot for her to take in, but he knew she could, she was a strong girl.

“Tomorrow if you want we can go through Mom’s things if you’d like,” he said softly, “It will be hard for me to do, but I think that it might help. I have many pictures of her, besides the one you have framed. I can tell you more stories,” he offered. She shook her head, “I’d like that, a lot. Daddy she was so beautiful, if I could be half the woman she was I will partially succeed at life,” she sighed tears flowing again.

“You already have honey,” he smiled, “Everyday I look at you and see your mother. The way your red hair shines in the sun, your smile, your beautiful eyes and your unforgettable face. You are just like your mother, you have surpassed all my dreams,” he smiled, “I love you sweetie.”

“I love you too Daddy,” she cried softly in happiness and sadness.

They laid silent for a little while longer until she finally spoke again.

“Do you think Mommy hates me?” she asked quietly looking over at him.

He quickly looked at her with pain in his eyes, “Heaven what makes you say that?”

“Well she died having me, I mean didn’t I make her die?” she asked again in a saddened voice.

Pain struck Nick in every part of his body imaginable.

“No of course not. Heaven, Mommy loves you, more then the world itself. She would have given up not only her life for you. No one hates you, I don’t hate you. You didn’t make Mommy die at all. It was just her time, God knew that he needed Mommy to watch over us,” Nick said stroking her face.

He watched a little smile creep on her face in the moonlight. Memories of Kayla and himself laying in the moonlight struck him and he smiled too.

“Really?” she asked.

“Yes, really,” he smiled back.

She sighed heavily and then spoke again, “Well how do you know?”

“Because every night Mommy talks to me. She tells me how much she loves you and me, and how special we are. She tells me that you are everything she had ever wanted her daughter to be, and that she would never love anyone as much as she loves us,” he smiled.

He wasn’t lying to her either, he did hear her say these things to him. Not only was it intuition, but it was also Kayla helping him along. She was always with them in everything they did.

“Wow, how come I can’t hear it?” she said confused at him.

“You can, you just have to listen very carefully, it comes from inside you,” he said pointing to her.

She smiled and knew what he was talking about, “What else does she say?” she asked.

“Well everynight she sings a song,” he smiled.

“Really? Can you sing it to me?” she asked as she smiled lightly, knowing from now on things weren’t ever going to be the same.

But now her questions were answered and her life was complete, in a great way. He looked at her with a happy glare and began to sing softly.

“When the visions around you bring tears to your eyes

When all that surrounds you are secrets and lies

I’ll be your strength

I’ll give you hope

Keeping your faith when it’s gone

The one you should call was standing here all along

And I will take you in my arms

And hold you right where you belong

Till’ the day when life is through

This I promise you, this I promise you

I’ve loved you forever in lifetimes before

And I promised you never will you hurt anymore

I give you my word

I give you my heart

This is a battle we won

And with this bow forever has now begun

Just close your heart with these loving hands

You know this feeling won’t go away

Till’ the day my life is through

This I promise you

Every word I say is true this I promise you”

When he finished the song he looked over and saw her sound asleep in his arms and smiled, knowing that his little girl was not very little anymore. He looked out the window and at the stars, looking for the brightest one, and with a smile he knew that he saw Kayla in those stars. He knew she was out there and he knew that he was living his life the best way he could, completely, fully, happily and lovingly. He looked at the star once more and saw it shine brighter and smiled, “This I promise you.”

Back to Tulsa: A Love and Hate Story
Mail the Author Breon2000@aol.com