In this chapter near the end a very VERY important act happens. I am going to talk quickly about it because I don't think all of you will understand what is going on and I want to talk about this. When you look at recent studies the second leading killer of teen girls is something called, self-mutilation, suicide being the first. Many of you probably just call the people who do this 'cutters' or at least that's what you have heard. This has been talked on 7th Heaven. I learned about this last year on my own time and decided it was VERY important to write about it, because it is RARELY talked about. Because of this, many teens die. Self-mutilation is defined as this: A girl/boy cuts themself(most often the arm) and watches the blood come out, which causes them to feel realived and their pain may disapear. At first they feel no pain, because they have so much emotional pain. But it becomes adicitve after doing the act a few times. After awhile, it begins to hurt them, and they might just 'have' to do it. The only way to have the person stop cutting themself is when they find what is hurting in their life and fix it, or if they reach out to someone and get help. In Bre's case, she had to find the missing piece aka Tay, and she was given some help by a friend.(Will become more clear in future chapters.) All in all it is very scary and many people go, "eww thats so yucky" but it is a very VERY serious addiction. **If anyone you know is talking about it you should talk back to them about it, because it can lead to so much blood lossage that a person to die. Don't be afraid to confront them.** It's scary, and as you read the end of Chapter 27, you will see what I mean. Thanks for reading this.

I woke up to Taylor’s warm lips touching mine.

“Hey, what time is it?” I yawned rolling over on my side to look at him.

“It’s 4:00am. I woke you up so we can have a proper good-bye.”

“Oh...OK,” I yawned again. “I love you. Last night was great, I can’t believe how aggressive I was,” I laughed.

“No offense, but you wouldn’t stop,” he laughed harder. He turned his face from looking at the ceiling and steered his vision towards me. He kissed me softly.

“Good,” I ran my hands through his hair. “You better go take a shower.”

“Yeah, you better not go in there. Remember this house is full of people,” he grinned.

“Tay!” I laughed, “Why would I do such a thing?” I asked pretending to be astonished. “So that means you want me to go in there right?” I smiled.

“I wish you could,” he sighed.

“Just go. I need to get in there after you so I can feel and look half way decent when you leave.”

“Don’t talk about me leaving. It hurts me that I have to go. But I have to do this.”

“It hurts me to, but I am supportive of it. That’s why I am going to get through this as simply as possible.”

“Your so strong Bre. Your will just amazes me,” he said staring lovingly into my eyes. “I just feel horrible.”

A tear fell from his eye and I wiped it away and began to cry.

“Tay I love you, now go take a shower.” He grabbed me and held me tight. I kissed him and he left the room.

* * * Ike and Elizabeth had already gotten ready because they both insisted on waking up early.

“I’m so tired,” Ike complained as he fell onto his bed, back first, “If you hadn’t kept me up all night with your complaining maybe I could have gotten some sleep.”

“Ohh, so it’s MY fault? Your the one who had to be so aggressive and make me hurt and now YOU are complaining. Plus, we can sleep on the plane, don’t be such a baby.” Elizabeth took her towel and through it at him laughing.

“Hey that’s wet!” he yelled.

“Good boy! Now what color is the sky? Duh! It kinda would be if I dried off with it,” she laughed harder.

“You are so annoying, but I can’t hate you because I love you.”

Elizabeth fell onto Ike. “Oh Ikey.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a few soft kisses. “I love you, now lets go to the kitchen.” She tried pulling him up.

“Ike!” she yelled.

“Oh all right,” he moaned giving in and standing up grabbing her hand.

* * * Zac and Lynn also woke up early. But unlike Elizabeth and Ike they woke up because they had the alarm set so they could be the first ones ready. They sat in the extra bedroom talking and playing video games. They were trying to get away from all the madness and frustration around them.

“Zac, what do you think it will be like in Europe?” Lynn asked.

“Crazy, loud, and to be honest, annoying as hell.”

“No, no, no. I mean like will Elizabeth and I be able to go everywhere with you guys?”

“Don’t be mad when I say this, but, no. I mean you’ll be able to go to a lot of places with us, but not all.”

“But I’ll miss you,” she sighed.

“Lynn that was mean,” Zac stated.

“What? Why?” she asked.

“Bre can’t even go. I will be with you every night, you will see me everyday. Bre will never see Tay.”

“Your right, that was wrong to say,” she sighed. Zac paused the game and gave Lynn a kiss.

“Please don’t worry about Europe. It will be fun and since your my girl you’ll go to plenty of places with me.”

“I know.” She kissed him. “Now I can beat you!”

“No you can’t!” he fought back.

“Watch me!” she warned.

* * * I finished writing a letter to Tay and stuffed it in his bag. Tears welled up in my eyes and I sucked it all in. I didn’t want Tay to see me cry again. The door cracked open. Tay walked in still wet with a towel around his waist. I quickly got up from where I was sitting on the floor.

“What were you doing?” he asked pulling me close, getting me all wet.

“N-Nothing,” I couldn’t let him see me cry so I just walked to the bathroom covering my mouth, beginning to quicken my pace. Taylor saw me covering my mouth and heard me crying/ He began to run after me.

“Bre!” he yelled as he pounded at the door. He heard me throwing up and he began to get worried.

“Bre open the door please!” he yelled again.

I opened the door and let him come in and locked it right away. As I turned to look at him he grabbed me.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” he asked upsetingly.

“No. I’m just upset. I just can’t handle it. I’m not strong and I’m not ready for this.”

“Your my girl, you are strong and you can handle this. I am trying to,” he said as he kissed my forehead. “I’m going to be the odd one out. It’s going to be hard on me to.”

“And it’s all my fault,” I said looking down.

He grabbed my arms and talked sternly. “Don’t you say that! Don’t be saying it’s your fault, because its not.”

“Tay your scaring me,” I cried, I didn't want to see him yell. That was one thing I HATED about Tay, when he needed to get a point across he always scared me and made me feel awful.

He kissed me again. “I’m sorry. Just remember it’s not your fault. None of this is. I love you and nothing is going to change that.” he sat on the toilet and motioned me to sit in his lap. I sat down with my arms wrapped around his neck. While we were kissing he turned on the shower. He quickly pulled me in with him.

“Tay you still have your towel on, and I’m still dressed,” I said has our clothing hung from us.

“So?”

“So now my clothes are clinging,” I laughed. “What are we going to say?”

“That we already took showers, but we came back in here to talk, cause’ there was more privacy and we didn’t change yet.”

“OK,” I whispered in his ears. He took my shirt off and poured shampoo on my head. He washed my hair for me.

“Thanks Tay. Now that you got soap in my mouth,” I smiled.

“Oops. Sorry.”

I pulled his towel off.

“Hey at least you have one article of clothing on,” he laughed.

“Who said I couldn’t? Now let me clean you. Close your eyes.”

“Why don’t I trust you?” he asked. “Oh yeah, cause’ your grinning.”

I took body wash and rubbed it all over his body and then put him under the water to rinse it off. His hair draped all over his face. So did mine. He slid my hair back and kissed my neck. There was a hard pound at the door.

“Who’s in there? I need to go to the bathroom,” Ike moaned.

We hurried up and got out. I took off my shorts and wrapped a towel around me as Tay did. We put our soaked clothes in the laundry bin and opened the door for Ike and hurried across the hall.

“Wait!” he yelled, “Did you just...I mean...”

“Yeah Ike, yeah,” Tay answer grinning and we both laughed running into Tay’s room and closing the door. We leaned against it laughing harder.

“Feel better?” he asked.

“Yeah, a little,” I smiled.

I slid on my pants and bra but couldn’t find the shirt my mom had packed for me. I soon found the light pink strapless shirt my mom had packed. I slid on my sneakers and joined Taylor on the ground. I sat in his lap and our lips were about to meet when Isaac stormed in.

“Mom wants you both in the kitchen.” Ike said, “And what you both did was sick.”

“Shut up Ike! Like you have any sexual experience!” I laughed.

“Last night I did,” he boasted. We both laughed and walked out of the room.

“What I did!” he urged as he stood abandoned in the middle of the room.

Elizabeth walked in, “I heard it all.”

“Oh boy...” he began.

“Tellin’ everybody what we do, huh?” she asked with her hands on her hips.

“Well, I...I...” he started.

“I don’t care...I was kidding Ike, you know like, ha ha ha,” she laughed.

“Oh, yeah I knew that,” he said looking down.

They began to kiss and pulled each other closer. Not letting their lips move from each others.

“Excuse me,” Walker said. They both pulled away from each other and turned red.

“Sorry dad, we were just doing touchy feely stuff,” Ike mimicked.

“Yeah,” Elizabeth laughed out.

“Very funny, both of you in the kitchen now,” he sighed.

* * * “Yeah, mom what did you want?” Tay asked as we walked in the kitchen.

“Jordan Taylor Hanson it is 5:45am and you both have yet to eat. Eat!” she yelled.

“OK,” we both moaned.

“Bre honey, you’ll go in the van with the rest of them and I will take the car so we can go home afterwards.”

“OK,” I said softly trying to choke out the words.

I didn’t have much of an appetite so I just played with my food. Tay on the other hand scoffed down his food. We were the only ones in the kitchen, everyone else was outside packing the van.

“Bre, aren’t you going to eat?” he asked.

“I can’t, I’m just not hungry that’s all.”

Tay gave me a gentle kiss, “That’s all right.”

I hugged him close just taking him in with all his wonderful self.

“I hate to do this, but we have to hit the road,” Walker said.

Tay began to get up but I wouldn’t let him. I didn’t want to loose him...I just wanted him to sit there by my side forever. I wanted him to be with me that night, and hug me in a few hours when I would need him for the pain. We both soon stood up, leaving the table the way it was and walked to the front door. I saw everyone else laughing, smiling, having a good time, but Tay and I weren’t. I really wish we were, but we couldn’t, we didn’t know how to live without each others love.

* * * Tay and I held each other close kissing the whole ride to the airport. When we got there we gave our bags to a man with a cart and walked in. Tay and I wanted a short good-bye. So then when he left, I knew he would be right back, and it would be less painful. Our plan was for me to kiss him good-bye and then I would begin to walk home and Diana would pick me up after the left on the side of the road.

“Surprise!” Walker yelled, “I set up an autograph session so you and Bre could have more time together in the airport,” he smiled.

Tay and I looked at each other. Tears fell from my eyes like rain. Hundreds of fans watched in silence.

“Dad, how could you?” Tay asked trying to keep his anger inside, “You should have told me. Bre and I just wanted a simple good-bye, we didn’t want to stay in the airport this long.” Walker glanced at me and I turned my head.

“Breanne I am sorry,” he squeaked out.

I ran straight through the airport and ran into the girls bathroom that was empty. I took my purse and banged it against the mirror so many times that it shattered to the ground. It looked like my life at the moment, broken into so many little pieces.

“Shit! Shit! SHIT!!” I yelled furiously. I finally just collapsed on the floor just missing the broken glass. I breathed heavy and hyperventilated trying to catch my breath, at the moment I hope that I never woke up again.

* * * “Dad I’m going to see Bre. They can sign autographs but I’m not. I’m sorry, maybe afterwards.”

“But Tay you need...” Walker began.

“I don’t need to do shit! What I need to do is go find

Bre, she’s my love, my life. Damn, the fans aren’t, the music isn’t either...when we people get it!” Taylor yelled as he faced the fans that stood in line. Many of their faces frowned and a few left. Tay just ran away to the bathroom that I was in.

* * * I laid on the cold ground crying as Tay walked in. He helped me up and held me tight as he kissed my forehead which was covered in tears as my whole face was. He noticed the broken mirror, the purse and me. He knew what happened.

“I’m sorry Bre, I really am,” he said looking at me with his gentle eyes.

“I just can’t do this anymore Tay, I can’t handle this. I wanted this simple. I wanted our relationship normal, I wanted to keep it that way...but this just isn’t working.”

I wanted so badly to hold him tight, and just cry. I wanted to just open myself up to him, and just have him be there. But knowing that he wouldn’t be there much longer, I just couldn’t. I gave him a long deep kiss.

“Bye Tay. I love you and I’ll see you soon.”

“Bre wait!” he yelled.

It was too late. I ran out of the bathroom and began walking to the door. He grabbed me again.

“Tay I love you but we can’t. I don’t want to stay. I want this simple. I’ll see you when you get back,” I cried harder as I pulled away and began to walk again. He jumped in front of me.

“Bye,” he said softly.

I walked out the door and began to run as fast as I could. I wanted to run back in and grab him...say good-bye. But something was stopping me. I fell and began to cry louder. Soon I got back up and kept running with my face red and blotchy and tears staining my face.

* * * “Tay come sign autographs now,” Diana said. Everyone saw what happened with Tay and I.

“No!” he yelled. He walked to the other side of the airport with and idea. He had a hunch.

* * * I got as far as I could. Maybe a foot from the airport before I began to walk. I walked up the sidewalk which was unusually clean. Suddenly the pay phone near me rang. At first I ignored it and kept walking, but then out of nowhere this feeling went through me. Something lured me to the ringing phone. The feeling was so strong that I picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Bre, please come back. Please,” Tay begged.

“Tay? How? What?” I asked more confused then ever.

“I had this feeling that you would pick up this phone. I don’t know how, but I just remembered the number, I knew you would be there.”

Suddenly I realized our love was inside us so deep and we knew each other so well. I couldn’t let him go, no matter how much I contemplated dumping him, I couldn’t. I loved him to much and he loved me to much. We were meant for each other.

“I just knew it would be you,” I said astonished.

I then noticed where I was. This was the spot Tay and I had stopped and hugged on the night that he sang to me at the festival. Maybe that was why I stopped, or maybe it was just our emotions combined.

“Please Bre, lets have a proper good-bye. Can’t you just come back so we can be together for a little bit longer. I’m here for another hour...please, I love you,” he begged.

I dropped the phone, not bothering to hang it up. I’m so stupid. This is the wrong thing, wrong thing to be doing. I shouldn’t be going back. I told myself as I quickened my pace.

“Bre? Bre you there?” he asked as he hung up the phone and then faced the doors and watched.

I began to run to the airport. I ran through the sliding doors and mobs of people. I saw Tay even though tears covered my blotchy red face. I ran into his arms.

“I love you Tay. I love you so much it hurts so bad,” I cried into his ear and kissed his face all over, “But I want to be with you.”

“Bre, you don’t know happy I am now. I love you, I love you so much. I am so glad you are back,” he cried in front of everyone.

Ike, Liz, Lynn and Zac just smiled. They didn’t knew how I just got back, but they were glad. I kissed him more and more.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Exactly 6:00am why?”

Tay grabbed my hand and led me to his dad with him. He grabbed the car keys out of his fathers hands.

“I’ll be back at 6:55am,” he yelled as we walked away.

“Taylor, no. No you won’t. You have to sign autographs, and you can’t drive!” Walker yelled.

“At this point dad I don’t care if I can drive or not!” We both ran out and to the car. Walker was after us as we got to the car. We quickly locked the doors as we got in as he pounded on them. Tay turned on the car and Walker backed up, knowing Tay would run him over if he had to.

“God Damnit!” he yelled, “At least he’ll be back.”

“Tay are you sure you know how to drive?” I asked being a tad bit scared.

“I can try,” he grinned. Tay put his foot on the gas and we jerked forward.

“Oops, my bad!” he yelled. “You might wanna put your seat belt on,” he warned.

I just laughed and quickly strapped my self in. He finally got the hang of it and once we got on the road he was fine. We got to his house and we pulled into his driveway. As we got out we grabbed hands unlocked the house and ran to his room laughing. he threw open his door.

“We have 55 minutes,” he said out of breath.

“Tay maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Cause’ the kissing was fun, but I don’t know if sex is cool right now. I don’t know,” I sighed.

“OK,” he said still kissing me, “Then we can kiss for 55 minutes,” he laughed.

“Oh what the hell!” I laughed.

We kissed very deeply and passionately. He went down my neck and ran his fingers through my hair. His breath beat down on my neck.

“Tay?”

“Yeah?” he answered.

“I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss you SO much.”

“I love you Bre, and I’m going to miss you too.”

“I love you to Tay.”

He grabbed me close and I could tell that he didn’t want to let go.

“I’m really sorry about today and the airport.”

“Don’t talk about it, OK? So your dad messed up. Just forget it OK?”

“OK,” he smiled. We kissed once again.

* * * Lynn whispered to Zac, “I hope Tay and Bre are OK.”

“They are. This just sucks. Why do Ike and I have to do this?” he moaned.

“Cause’ that’s life,” she grinned. Walker came walking in out of breath.

“Their gone,” he said throwing his hands down to his sides.

“Oh just leave them be Walker. You shouldn’t have done this anyway, it’s your fault,” Diana sighed.

“First of all it’s NOT my fault. And second you don’t care that right now our son is probably having sex in his room with Bre? You know it Diana,” he pointed, “Taylor would have sex and you know he is right now!” he yelled.

The airport went completely silent. None of the fans could believe what they heard.

“Walker!” Diana yelled, “Why did you just say that?” she asked as she lowered her voice, “Your exploiting our sons privacy and I don’t want it.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“You should be!” she yelled angrily as she stomped away.

* * * Tay and I laid on his bed gasping for air.

“I’m gonna miss this, right here. You know, us just not doing anything much, just the feeling of you being right here next to me,” I sighed.

“I’m gonna miss that to baby. You know I’m going to be sending you plane tickets until you come.”

“I’m gonna come and visit you. Trust me Tay. I will try and go as much as possible.”

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said as I patted his knee for reassurance, “Nothing can stop me from visiting you. You know that Tay.”

“Good, cause’ then I won’t miss you as much,” he smiled. We both laughed.

“Tay maybe we should clean up and head back. It is 6:45am and it’s bad enough we probably won’t make it back in time.”

“Yes! Maybe I can miss the plane!” he laughed.

“Tay come on,” I grinned.

After we cleaned up we got into the car. Tay like before had some trouble but once he got going we made it back in one piece. It then hit me that it was time to say good-bye. As we walked through the airport I noticed that autograph session was over and most of the people left. We walked hand in hand to the gate where he was suppose to board. Everyone was sitting, waiting for us outside the gate. We stopped in front of everyone.

“I’m gonna miss you, I love you and you know that. I’ll send tickets for you soon, I love you,” he said looking into my eyes. It seemed that he would always looked into my eyes when he talked, like every minute with me meant something, and I loved the feeling, that someone really, really cared about me. I kissed Tay deeper, longer more passionately then I ever had before. I held him tight and tried not to let go.

“I love you,” I cried, “And I’ll come visit as much as I can and I will miss you. I love you more then the world itself.”

“Bye,” he said holding in his tears like he had been trying the whole morning through.

“Bye,” I replied softly.

Our hands were held together, but soon the tight grasp was gone and my extended arm was empty right in front of me. He walked to the gate and Diana walked towards me. She put her arm around my shaking body. Suddenly I realized I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want him to go. I ran up to him even though I didn’t have a ticket to give to the women. He through down his bags that he was holding and he held me tight. I realized my feet weren’t even touching the ground. We just stood in each others arms. As we kissed he pulled away and picked up his bags.

“Bye. I love you and I’ll see you soon,” he said. This time though he cried. Tears streamed down his face.

“Bye, I love you Tay.” I waved as I spoke and walked backwards out of the plane gate. Diana once again grabbed my ever increasingly shaking body. I was cold.

“Bre honey, don’t shake,” she begged.

“He can’t go!” I cried, “It hurts to much. I miss him already. I don’t want him to go. I love him.”

“It’s OK, he’ll be back. Come here.”

We walked to the window. After a few minutes the plane began to go up. Soon he was merely a speck in the sky.

“NO!” I cried, “Come back! Tay! I love you!” I yelled as I pounded on the glass window. People watched and Diana tried to calm me down. It was too late. He was where he had to be, doing what he had to do. It was then I realized I never told him about the note I stuffed in his bag. But for some reason I knew he would read it.

“Come on Bre,” Diana took my hands from the glass window, “Let’s go home.”

“I love you,” I whispered, “I’ll see you soon.”

* * * Tay sat in his seat thinking about what he would do without Bre by his side. He decided to go into his bag and get his headphones, hoping they would make him forget about his troubles. Tears fell endlessly from his eyes soaking the jeans he wore. He tried hiding the tears, but found out earlier it was no use. His father had already told him to calm down because he noticed he was crying. God, why does this have to be so hard? he thought to himself. I miss Bre already and I haven’t even left Oklahoma. As he pulled out his headphones he noticed a piece of folded notebook paper.

“What’s this?” he asked aloud.

“What’s what?” Zac asked looking over from the seat in back of Tay’s.

“Nothing. I just...never mind.”

“Fine,” Zac said being a little disappointed his brother wouldn’t tell him what he found. Tay unfolded the paper and read it.

Dear Tay, I know you are probably in the clouds somewhere and there is no way for me to bring you back. I just wanted to let you know I love you so much and that I hope you have a great trip. I know that this is hard on the both of us but maybe time apart might be better and make our relationship stronger. I wanted to tell you this before you left but I just couldn’t so I wrote you this letter. I love you and I can’t wait to come visit you. And I wish I was sitting right next to you on that plane but family calls. Granite, to me you are family. I love you lots and can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. For now I will just have to live with the blow up man in my closet! :o) I love you and nothing, especially not land can come between that. See you soon! Lots of Love and Lollipops, Bre P.S.~Tell Lynn and everyone I said good-bye and I can’t wait to see them either! P.P.S.~I LOVE YOU!!!!! XOXOXOXO

Tay sat back in his seat with the refolded piece of paper against his chest. For the first time in a long while a smile formed on his face and he laid back with his eyes closed, and no tears fell.

* * * I laid on Tay’s bed with his pillow in a tight grasp by my side. I looked up and closed my eyes imagining he was right next to me. Suddenly, as I reached my hand under his pillow that I was laying on I felt a sharp pain. I jumped up and realized I had a paper cut. I lifted up the pillow and saw a folded piece of paper and opened it slowly, realizing and hoping that he had already read mine. Tears still fell from my eyes covering his bedspread. I read the note.

Dear Bre, I bet I know where you are right now. I bet you are on my bed laying down, that’s why I put this letter here. I love you and I bet that this trip will be good for both of us. I hope you feel the same way, just remember that nothing can come between the lover we have and that I love you more then the world itself. I know I have said this all before but I can’t stop because it’s all so true. Remember that every tear that falls from your eye, two tears fall from mine(sound familiar?) I will miss you so much and I love you so much, but the love I feel defeats the sadness by so much. I will call you when I get there and until then please don’t cry and please don’t worry about me, cause’ I am and will be fine. I love you more then life itself and I can’t wait to see you soon! Lots O Love, Tay P.S.~Tell mom and the little ones I love them and miss them too. P.P.S.~I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

I laid on his bed, not crying but thinking that maybe he was right. That maybe if we were away from each other for a little bit it might help our relationship. I just didn’t know how I could face the next three months not having him by my side. I didn’t know how to live without his love. Most of all, I didn’t know how to be alone. Then I realized that it would be hard, but life is. And this was only the beginning, if I couldn’t live through this then I was weak, and I couldn’t live with life. Suddenly a knock at the door stopped my train of thought.

“Come in,” I said softly.

“Hi, how are you doing?” Diana asked.

“Better, I guess. Well this made me feel better,” I sighed holding up the note.

“Would you mind if I read it?” she asked.

“No, go right ahead,” I replied handing it to her.

After a minute of calm silence she spoke up.

“He’s so sweet and what he wrote is true,” she lifted me up, “Now come on, why don’t we go downstairs and have a bite to eat. I noticed you didn’t eat breakfast.”

“I guess, but I don’t know if I’m that hungry,” but then I remembered what I told myself. “OK, maybe I can eat something.”

“Good,” she smiled in satisfaction.

Tay I will do this all for you and I know you will do the best you can to stay calm for me, I thought to myself. I love you Tay. As we got downstairs the phone rang. I sat down at the table as Diana answered the phone.

“Hello? Yes hold on.”

She put her hand over the phone and talked, “Bre it’s your parents the want to know how you are and they want to talk to you.”

“OK,” I sighed.

I took the phone from her hands and looked at her.

“You don’t have to go home if you don’t want to. You are welcome here as much as you want.”

“Thanks. I think I will. I still can’t look my mother in the eyes because of the hell she is putting me through.”

“That’s OK.”

I uncovered the phone and began to talk.

“Hello?”

“Hey peanut. It’s mom,” she said happily.

“Oh, it’s you,” I said coldly.

“Are you doing OK? Do you want to come home?” she asked.

“No I’m NOT doing OK, and I DO NOT want to come home!” I yelled. “I don’t want to see your face!!” I screamed throwing the phone across the kitchen. I knew what Nick had told me, but at the moment I was in to much pain and it didn't matter.

“Breanne!” Diana yelled in shock.

“Go away! I don’t want to talk to anyone!” I yelled as I ran to Tay’s room. I slammed the door and fell onto his bed. Tears covered my face and I breathed in his bedspread heavily. The scent made me feel content and happy inside. Soon it was serene and I fell asleep.

* * * Tay sat quietly in his seat. Everyone else was talking about all the fun it would be in Europe. All Tay could think about was how horrible it would be without Bre. Ike quietly sat down next to him.

“Hey how are you doing?” Ike asked.

“Why do you care?” he asked back icily.

“Because your my brother and I’ve gone through this before.”

“I can’t stand it!” he yelled. He began to cry harder then ever. Ike held him tight. He was afraid Tay might try suicide again, if he could do it once, he could do it again.

“Ike can I just be alone for a while?” he asked so his brother would leave and wouldn’t see him cry even more.

“Sure,” he sighed.

Ike got up and walked back to his seat shaking his head. He was really getting upset.

* * * Diana walked into the living when she saw my parents walk up the driveway. She opened the door.

“Hi,” she said.

“Where’s our baby! She needs us,” my mom said.

“Come, sit down, she’s sleeping and I think she needs the rest,” Diana insisted.

“She’s coming home,” my mother demanded.

As they sat down Diana spoke, “She’s your daughter so you can bring her home if you’d like. But let me just talk to you.”

“OK,” they both said unison.

“Breanne is really upset that you wouldn’t let her go because of the family business. She told me she didn’t want to see either of you because your putting her through such hell. So unless you have some really good news for her I suggest you approach her with caution.”

“She said that?” my dad choked out.

“Yes,” Diana said meekly.

“Well we are still going to talk to her,” my mother responded.

“All right,” Diana sighed.

* * * I turned on Tay’s stereo and ‘My Heart Will Go On’ was playing.

“Oh,” I moaned as I threw myself down. “Not this song, this was our song.”

I threw the remo at the stereo and it stayed on. I got up and began kicking it frantically.

“I hate you God! I hate this life, this world, myself!!” I yelled, “Everyone can go to hell and die!” I screamed louder.

I collapsed onto the floor pounding and kicking as hard as I could. My parents came rushing in with Diana. My dad picked me up and I pulled away.

“How could you Diana? I told you I didn’t want to see their faces, their ugly faces!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Suddenly I picked up the remo and through it at the window. The glass shattered all over the ground.

“Honey, calm down. You are just very upset,” Diana said quietly walking over.

“GET OUT! ALL OF YOU JUST LEAVE!” I yelled furiously with tears all over my face.

“Breanne!” my mother yelled back, “We need to talk young lady! This is insane!”

“You!” I pointed to her, “You shut up! If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here!” I yelled.

Diana grabbed my parents and spoke softly, “Maybe it’s best if we left her alone now.”

She ushered them out of the room. When they left the room I noticed the window and the remo still sitting in the sill. I walked over to grab the remote cut myself lightly the jagged glass still coming up from the window.

“Ow,” I said softly looking at the blood trickle out.

But then something happened. I enjoyed looking at the blood. It seemed that when the blood came out so did my pain, frustration and anger. It seemed to calm me down. Then and idea popped into my head. Maybe if I do this like everyday, my pain might go away, I thought, It just might help. It was then when I decided every night I would make a small cut in m y arm, letting out all the pain, starting tonight, I had heard about people who did it, they were called, ‘cutters’. I didn’t know much more about it, and it seemed safe enough. I picked up a piece of glass and put it in my pocket. Then I proceeded downstairs. I felt better and thought I could talk to my parents. When everyone saw me walking on my feet they stood up. “I really wish you hadn’t. It really hurts, and I am in a lot of pain, I am admitting it. But you have to promise me I can visit.”

“Sure...we will talk about it at home,” my dad smiled.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah. When he calls tonight make sure to tell him,” my mom gushed.

“OK,” I smiled.

“Now Bre, why don't you go it’s getting late,” Diana urged.

“Oh, OK.”

“Bye,” she said softly.

“Bye,” I replied. I wanted to get home so I could call Nick and make plans to see him.

* * * “Tay. Tay, wake up we landed,” Zac said as he shook him.

“Uh? Oh, oops,” he said opening his eyes.

Tay jumped up grabbed his bags and began to walk out of the plane. It was going to be a long trip.

* * * “Bre, we were going to rent a movie and get pizza, wanna join us?” my mom asked.

“No thanks. I’m just gonna go up to my room now. I will eat later tonight.”

“Well, Bre honey it’s 6:00pm,” she urged.

“I’ll eat LATER mom,” I said again getting a little mad.

“OK, OK,” she sighed.

Sharon didn’t understand her daughter. She knew that she was in pain but for the past week and especially now, she was having major mood swings. Not long ago she was fine and happy, now she was yelling again. It was all becoming too confusing.

I walked up to my room and closed the door and locked it. I began to break down again. I missed Tay and he would have been there right now, but he was probably just arriving in London. But he wasn’t there, and it bothered me. I also was so stressed because he hadn’t called yet. I didn’t know if something went wrong, that’s what scared me the most, that he was hurt. I just cried, hoping it would be all right. I laid on my bed pounding it hard, but them I remembered my arm, and the cut. I knew that I could call Nick and not cut myself, but I wanted to cut myself, then call Nick, I knew that what I was doing wrong, and that I shouldn't do it, but I felt that it would help. I pulled the piece of glass out of my pocket and sat Indian style on my bed. I quickly rolled up my sleeves and got to work. I took the glass and made a shallow cut on both of my arms. I placed down the glass and then watched in awe as the blood trickled out of the cuts. I threw my head back, it was so relaxing. It didn’t exactly hurt, since I was under so much emotional pain. I felt much better and calmer, ready to take on anything. I sat lusting in my calmness I got from the cuts. The blood seemed to pour out the frustration, hurt and madness inside me. I got up and hid the piece of glass in my drawer, wiped away the blood, which stopped after I wiped it a few times. I pulled down my sleeve, suddenly the phone rang.

“H-H-Hello?” I stuttered.

“Bre? It’s Tay. Hey what’s up? What’s wrong?” he replied.

“No, No you just caught me at a bad time. Well not a bad time, well all the time is bad...I mean you know. I love you,” I said covering up my horror. I didn’t expect him to have called.

“I love you to,” he gushed. I could tell he smiled.

“I have some really good news,” I went on.

“What?” he asked eagerly.

“I’m going to be able visit you soon, I will be talking my parents soon,” I smiled.

“Really? Bre I love you SO much! I am SO happy!!” he yelled over the phone.

“I love you to Tay,” I gushed.

We both laughed and for the first time I was actually happy that day. I knew he was happy to by the way he seemed to be laughing over the phone.

“Bre I wish I could stay on the phone all night with you but I can’t. I have to go and I will call you tomorrow night when I get the chance, or make the chance. I can’t wait for next week to come,” he sighed.

“Neither can I Tay. See you soon. Bye, I love you.”

“Bye, I love you to,” he said hanging up the phone.

I hung up the phone and felt better knowing that he was in his hotel room and he was safe. I also knew that I would talk to him tomorrow. But what really kept me going was that I knew tomorrow I could take out the piece of glass and get all my anger out and feel better, and that I was going to call Nick. I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

"Hello, this is Nick, whats up?" he answered.

I just smiled, I loved the way he answered the phone.

"Hey Nick, it's Bre, I thought I would call you, whats up?" I asked.

"Bre, hey I am SO glad you called, I was beginning to miss you AGAIN, oh wait I already did start missing you," he smiled.

"Aww, I missed you too Nicky. So what's up?"

Well yesterday was wicked nice cause I just sat around at my apartment in Flordia, and slept, and did absolutely NOTHING! We are practicing tomorrow and then we have the rest of the time off except the day before we leave for Europe, so I am enjoying myself, how about you? How are you doing, didn't Tay leave today?"

"Yah, I really freaked out and I am really upset. But I think I will be OK, cause my mom told me I can visit. But anyway, I am talking to her tomorrow about when I am seeing him, probably not for a while so I want to see you, so do you think we can get together?" I asked praying he would say yes.

"Of course! I want to see you SO bad, you have to call me tomorrow and tell me exactly when and we will be together as much as possible OK? I know that you have to be going through SO much emense pain right now and I want to be there so I can be there for you, all the guys do," he urged.

"Good, because I really can't talk to my mom, I know you told me to calm down but I couldn't, I got SO mad Nick, and I just want to talk with you and to be honest I need someone to comfort me and I know my mom is not the one to do that right now. Thank you and tell the guys I said thank you, you all mean so much to me, especially you. I love you..."I trailed off, crying a little bit in happiness. I beileved him like I beileved in Tay when he said to he knew what I was going through and that he cared.

Nick just smiled,"Anything for you Bre, you know that, I love you too, your my best friend and I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Well I better be going, thank you because you just made me feel so good and I think I can go join my parents for dinner, thank you Nick, I promise I will call you as soon as I get news tomorrow, I love you, bye," I said happily.

"I love you too, bye, sweet dreams, goodnight," he said hanging up the phone. He felt so good that she called and he was SO excited that he would see her so soon.

* * *

“Bre honey the pizza is here. Are you sure you don’t want to join us?” my mother yelled up the steps.

I looked out the window at the stars for a moment, and a star fell. I smiled.

“You know what Mom? I think I will,” I grinned.
Back to Tulsa: A Love and Hate Story
Chapter 28
Mail the Author Breon2000@aol.com