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“OK I guess mom.”
“That’s good,” she smiled.
As she came and sat at the corner of my bed. She hit my leg a few times lightly, “Well, get ready and come down stairs for breakfast and we will talk about the next few months and how we should plan them, OK?” she asked.
“I guess, sure.”
“That’s my girl. I think you really are going to be just fine,” she smiled wider.
“So do I,” I smiled looking at the drawer my glass was in, and knowing I couldn't wait to call Nick.
“Sweetie, sit down and lets talk.”
“OK,” I said sitting down.
My dad put a plate of breakfast in front of me.
“Now your mother and I have decided this. You can go see Tay in two weeks, which means you will leave to see him Saturday, June 26th and come back On July 3rd. I am sorry that you can not spend the Forth of July with him but we want you home then. You will fly back to Connecticut and we are going to stay there until your birthday, then Tay will be back. We like this house Bre, but Connecticut is home and mom wants to spend a lot of time there. So is that fair?” he asked.
“Fair!” I yelled. “Guys, thank you SO much! I will get to see Tay more then I thought! I didn't think you would give me a week!” By mistake food flew out of my mouth and hit my mom.
“Calm down Bre,” she said getting angry.
“Sorry,” I sighed.
“That’s OK. Well, your father and I have to go to work. So your on your own today. You know the drill, we work every day but Sunday so you will be alone for a while, but if you need anything call me or call Diana, OK?”
“Mom I know,” I smiled.
“I’m sorry,” my father sighed.
“That’s OK. Now go to work so you won’t be in trouble. I'll call you.”
They both kissed me, “Bye honey.”
“Bye,” I waved to them as they walked out of the house.
I quickly ran up to my room and dialed Nick's number. I would wait for Tay to call that night so I could tell him.
“Hello, this is Nick, what’s up?” he answered.
“Hey Nick it’s Bre! My parents just left and I decided to call you, I have all the info,” I said happily.
“Hey! I missed you already, when are you going to see your love of your life?” he asked, talking about himself, but knowing she will answer about Tay.
“I get to see Tay in three weeks! Do you know how happy this makes me! Ahh!” I screamed, “I feel like such a little girl, I mean I am SO happy I get to see him in three weeks, but what makes me happy too is that I have time to meet up with you and spend some quality time with my best friend. I mean it’s better that Tay doesn’t know about this, so seeing each other now is perfect. So when aren’t you busy Nicky?” I asked laughing.
“First off my names Nicky now?” he laughed back.
“Of course, that’s what the fellas call you, and I think it’s cute, I want to see them too, so I would rather that I go see you. I mean it is going to be a little weird asking and telling my parents, but I mean I am going to be 16 soon, so...” I trailed off.
“Your going to be 16 August 12th, that’s over a month away,” he sighed smiling.
“So, anyways, when can I come?” I asked.
“Whenever your little heart desires. It’s all about you babe so you do all the planning. I mean I am not busy at all, so you can stay as long as you would like too,” he laughed.
“Great! Well, I say I come next week, I mean today is Friday, and they counted this week, so really I only have two weeks before I see Tay, so why don’t I drop by Monday and like stay till Wednesday. Then I will have time with my parents and then I can go SEE TAY!!” I yelled louder.
Nick just laughed, he couldn’t believe she was THIS excited about the news. What he really couldn’t believe was that he couldn’t wait to see her.
“That sounds perfect!” he yelled back.
“OK, well let me talk to my parents, trust me they will say yes. So I will see you in two days OK?” I asked.
“Yup! I can’t wait till then!” he gushed.
“Me either, I love ya! Bye Nick,” I said happily.
“I love you too, bye Bre,” he said hanging up the phone.
“What, WHAT?” Brian mimicked.
“Bre is coming to visit, on MONDAY!! And she is going to stay until WEDNESDAY!! She still has to ask her parents, but trust me it’s a yes! I am so excited!” he yelled.
“Calm down Nicky, God, it’s only a girl,” Kevin laughed.
“Yeah, but it’s my best friend, the girl I love and the girl I like go crazy for! It’s Bre, how can I not be excited. Anyway, she wants to see you guys again, you’ll be around the apartment won’t you?” he asked begging.
“We’re not going anywhere,” Howie reassured.
“Good.”
“Hi mom, dad. Look what I did,” I said taking their coats.
“What?” they asked as they put their briefcases down. I led them into the dining room.
“I already ate dinner but I made it for the both of you,” I smiled.
“Oh, Bre. Thank you so much,” my mother smiled giving me a hug.
“Your welcome,” I said through clenched teeth.
“So what do you want now?” my dad asked.
I sat down at the empty chair and they sat with me, beginning to eat.
“Well, you know how I told you how me and Nick Carter became really close friends and stuff, like over the phone and stuff. Well, I have been calling him ALL the time and I really want to see him. Mom you know how it is, for a girl to have a best friend, I need to see him mom. I miss him and I want someone to talk to and I can’t talk the same over the phone, I mean I don’t have Liz or Lynn. PLEASE,” I begged.
“Bre...I don’t know, we are already letting you see Taylor in a couple of weeks...” my mom trailed off.
“Please mom, it would only be for Monday till Wednesday next week. I mean how can you say no. I don’t even know why you kept me home since you both are always working, I never see you anyway and I never need to take care of you,” I said getting mad, “I mean it’s like I am just keeping the house company anyway. Please mom and dad, please...” I begged again.
“Where is Nick, first off?” my father asked, “And he’s just 17, so will there be any adult, your only 15 Breanne...”
“Dad it’s in Florida, please. I am going to be 16 in a month, please, and all the guys will be there and Brian, Howie and Kevin are all adults. Their in their twenties...” My mother looked at my father, both of them knew they weren’t going to get out of this one. What Sharon also knew was that her daughter was falling in love again and that Taylor was that last thing on Bre’s mind. She liked Nick, a lot, and she liked Tay too, but Nick was older and though she didn’t like the thought of her with a 17 year old, she trusted him and the boys much more. She also knew that Tay was fading fast, sure Nick was a best friend, but would he continue to be? But who was she kidding, she didn’t know anything anymore. After about five minutes of discussing it they finally agreed.
“Alright, until Wednesday. But then you come back here and you are going to work on your school work and get caught up, and Saturday and Sunday you are going to work on school all day too,” my father said sternly.
“Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!” I yelled, This is just getting better and better, I thought.
“Your welcome,” they said.
“It’s almost 8:00pm and Tay should be calling soon, so I am going up to me room. Please don’t disturb me. Good night.”
“Goodnight sweetie,” they said together.
I really didn’t want to make them dinner, in fact I didn’t eat myself. But I figured if I wanted to cut myself tonight the only way to get them to leave me alone is if I gave them something to do, that being dinner. Plus, I had to sweet talk them into letting me go see Nick. They both sat down at the table and began to eat.
“Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me,” he smiled across the line.
“Hey, I love you.”
“I got some good news I am going to be able to visit with you in about two weeks, and I will stay with you for a week!” I yelled.
“You don’t know how happy this makes me.”
We both laughed.
“I’m looking forward to this,” I giggled.
“Good,” he laughed back.
“Taylor get off the phone!” I heard Walker yell in the background.
“One minute dad!” he yelled back. “Bre I gotta go, but first I have some good news.”
“What?” I asked eagerly.
“You’ll be here for my first concert!” he yelled, “It’s the Friday you come.”
“Great!”
“Well I have to go, but I will call you tomorrow,” he promised. “I love you.”
“I love you to, bye.”
“Bye,” he said hanging up the phone.
I hung up mine and smiled inside. Even though our conversations were short. They were always meaningful.
What did Sharon know anyway?
“Bre, God Bre I have missed you so much. I am so glad you are here, I don’t want to let go. Thank you for coming thank you, you are so beautiful I am so happy to see your face again,” he rambled.
“You too Nick, you too,” I cried.
“Well come on in, see the guys,” he said wiping away his tears and taking my bag.
“Thank you, all right,” I smiled.
When I walked in the place was beautiful, for an apartment it was sure elaborate and huge.
“Guys!! She’s here!” Nick yelled putting my bag in his room and then running back to my side before they could come running from the living room.
“Bre! Hi, nice to see you again,” AJ smiled giving me a hug.
“Hi, how you are doing?” Brian asked kissing my cheek gently.
“I’m doing very well thank you,” I lied. I would save the horror story for later.
“Hey, nice to see you,” Kevin and Howie greeted giving me hugs.
“Well, I think we will leave you guys alone for a little bit. But I know I want to talk to you later and catch up, we’ll talk at dinner. Nice to see you again Bre,” Brian said pushing the others back into the living room.
Nick took me into his room. I sat down next to him and could smell is cologne radiating off of him, he smelt so good, it was hypnotizing. I still was in shock that I was sitting right me and I just smiled widely, I didn’t want to tell him the bad news. He just looked into my eyes and then leaned over and hugged me tight.
“I am SO glad you are here,” he said again looking at me holding my hand.
“So am I, I wish I could stay longer though,” I sighed.
“Well, at least your here now and that’s all I care about,” he smiled.
I just looked at him and grinned, Yeah at least I’m here now, but today’s going to be awful because I have to ruin it. I felt like running into the bathroom and taking out my glass and cutting myself to death. I didn’t want to ruin this time we had together with my problems, but I knew that if I didn’t tell him I would probably never see him again.
“Nick, before we start the time we have together I think there is something I need to tell you, something I need your help with...”I trailed off. Nick looked confused he didn’t know what was wrong. How could something be going wrong? I don’t understand, is she still that upset? he asked himself.
“Whats the matter Bre?” he asked moving closer as he saw my face had fear written all over it.
“Nick, I know this isn’t a good way to start off a visit, but I am SO scared and I need someone to talk to about this, and I need to talk to you about this, your my best friend and I know I can tell you anything and you won’t judge,” I said crying.
“Bre, you know I would NEVER EVER judge and you can tell me anything, please don’t cry, obviously this is something big if you are crying. Listen, it’s better if we figure this out now rather than later because then we can have more fun in the next two days,” he smiled trying to make me smile.
“Nick, do you know what a cutter is?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said oddly.
“Well...when Tay left I started cutting myself and I have been for a few days now. I’m scared Nick, so scared. I mean at first it helped me and I felt so good about it and now I am embarrassed and I have never felt so sick. I mean it hurts when I do it now, but whenever I am in a situation that is bad I think it’s my fault and I cut myself. I mean I have been cutting myself twice a day now and I have never felt so much pain and I have never been so scared,” I cried loudly as I fell into his arms.
He just held me tight for a little while not saying anything. I knew he was shocked but at the same time I knew he was scared for me and wanted to help.
“Bre, everything is not your fault and you thinking it is, is what causes you to feel this way. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about this at all, you were and are upset and are just trying to handle the pain yourself and it is hard for you to do. I need you to do something for me though,” he said clearing his throat and looking at me, “I need you to come with me so we can tell the other guys.”
“Your joking right? I mean they will think I am some kind of cycotic bitch and probably make you never see me again, and I need you Nick, I really do,” I cried.
“First of all they would never think that, and neither would I because I love you and I know you. They do to and they know that this is not you. Lastly, they can’t tell me what to do, they aren’t my father you know, now come on,” he said helping me up.
I knew I wasn’t going to get out of this one and he was only doing this for my benefit. For some reason though I didn’t want to get out of it, I wanted to tell them because I wanted help.
We walked into the living room and saw AJ and Brian sitting there watching TV, while Kevin and Howie were trying to figure out how to work a new stereo they bought. When they saw Nick dragging me in there they all turned and looked at us. I hated having all their attention, it was to frightening and it made me feel out of place. Nick could tell and broke the silence.
“Guys, Bre needs to talk to you guys,” he said as we sat down on the loveseat.
They all gathered around and looked at me waiting for me to start talking. This is going to be OK, we can do this, I told myself. Finally I just broke down and placed myself bare in front of all of them. I confessed everything, how I was feeling, the cutting, the emptiness and loneliness. I couldn’t keep it in any longer, I was hurting and at the moment I didn’t care who I told I just wanted it out of my system. I was glad I was with them and they were the ones who were listening. After I was done and Nick’s shirt was wet from all the tears that I was crying they all came up to me and hugged me trying to make me feel loved and not embarrassed.
“Do you think I could talk to Bre alone?” AJ asked.
Nick let go of me and I quickly clung on to AJ still sucking in my tears and walked with him into his bedroom. He sat me down on the bed and grabbed me tight.
“You know that this is OK, what you are going through. You DO know that having these feelings of emptiness and depression are totally normal. I mean come on, you are here and the one guy that you truly love with all your heart is in another continent. But what I don’t think you know is how to handle your feelings. So I want to help, and I know that you don’t want to bring any kind of doctor or psychiatrist into this so I want to try to help you myself. Is that OK with you?” he asked me.
“Please, please help me. AJ I don’t want to be like this, I really don’t, can you please do something?” I asked.
“If you do something, Bre I can’t do all this for you, you have to be strong and help yourself too. I think that first we need to talk about YOU and how you can make yourself feel good and realize you are an amazing, wonderful girl,” he smiled running his hand down my cheek.
“OK,” I sighed as the tears stopped falling.
“First why don’t you go and get what you were cutting yourself with. I don’t care about how it all started, I know that it won’t help you to talk about it. But if we are going to talk I want to have the ‘tool’ in front of us,” he said as he urged me to get up.
I walked out into the hallway and Nick turned to look at me leave into his room. He quickly jolted up and I could tell by the look on his face he was upset, not at me or at what I was doing but at himself. He thought he could have done something.
“Nick, don’t think this is your fault OK? Please, you couldn’t have prevented this, if it wasn’t for you I would probably be dead right now because I wouldn’t have anyone to tell. Please, just don’t be upset OK?” I begged.
He just smiled and held me tight again. “I’m glad I’m me then.” He walked back into the living room.
I grabbed my glass and walked back into AJ’s room and sat back down, placing it in his hand.
“Can I see your arms?” he asked, “Roll up your sleeves while we talk, it’s hot here in Orlando.”
“No AJ, really I don’t think we need to do that,” I sighed trembling.
He lifted up my chin, “I think we do,” he said taking my arms and pushing up my sleeves. I was surprised he didn’t even flinch at the sight.
“There we are, that wasn’t so bad was it,” he smiled.
I was glad he was treating me like a normal human being.
“Now first off, let’s talk about you. What is making you do this?” he asked.
“Me, myself. I mean ever since Tay left I have felt so empty and I have felt like I don’t belong anywhere. The only place I feel safe is here, and I haven’t even been here long. Like I feel like everyone is out to get me and hurt me because Tay isn’t with me. Then whenever something goes wrong I think it’s my fault, because everything’s my fault, so I just cut myself to feel better, but it’s beginning to hurt.”
“See what you just said is called withdrawal. You feel withdrawn from what you want. When the person you love isn’t with you, you are going to feel like everyone is looking at you funny and everything that is wrong is your fault, but Bre it’s not, please realize this. Just because Taylor isn’t here does not mean Breanne doesn’t exist and it doesn’t mean everyone hates you. Do you understand, nobody wants to hurt you, I nor Nick, or any of the guys would let them, but they have no reason to. Taylor’s not here, sure, but that’s OK, because you can still be yourself, don’t be afraid to let it show. Girl, God gave you this life, he gave you Taylor because he knew that you wanted him and that you loved him and he loved you. He would never do anything to you that would make you upset. Life has it’s ups and downs, sure, we all know that but cutting yourself is not the way to handle it. The way to handle it is to talk to someone, and if you can’t talk to Taylor then any of us are willing to talk. Bre no one wants to see you get hurt, no one does, especially not Nick. He loves you so much Bre, SO much, and if anything ever happened to you I don’t know what he would do. I don’t know what any of us would do, or Taylor and any of them. So please, let’s stop this tonight OK?” he asked.
I looked at him and smiled. He somehow made me feel better and I didn’t want to even touch that glass to my skin. I took the glass from him and tossed it in his garbage can.
“AJ you made me realize how important life is and how lucky I am to have what I have right now. I understand that I don’t need to cut myself to get my anger and hurt out, instead I can talk to any of you guys. I mean I don’t feel comfortable talking to Tay or anyone but you guys I can. And I want to stop, starting now I’m not gonna cut myself anymore, I promise. I know I am a strong person, God made me a strong girl and I can stop if I want and I want to so I can and I am going to right now,” I smiled, “Thank you so much for giving me the old me back,” I said happily hugging him.
“Your welcome, but let me clean you up first, I mean I am sure since we have been in here for a while dinner is almost done, and I am sure you don’t want those beautiful arms to be all gross and bloody for everyone, right?” he asked.
“Right,” I smiled.
He went into his bathroom and brought me in there to, sitting me on the toilet. I watched as he took cool rags and wiped away the dried blood and put different anti-biotics on my cuts. He then wrapped the small part of both my arms where I cut up in gauze.
“There, good as new,” he smiled giving me a gentle kiss.
“Thank you so much, for everything AJ. Just...thank you.”
“Your welcome.”
“What are you doing?” I asked as I got my pajamas out of my bag.
“Getting stuff so I can make you a bed on the couch, unless you wanna sleep in the floor on here. I mean I know that you probably don’t want to sleep in the same bed as me, cause’ well you know...” he said turning a little red and then continued looking in his closet.
“Actually Nicky, I was thinking, maybe I could sleep in your bed...if that was OK with you...” I trailed off.
“Yeah, I don’t mind the couch at all,” he smiled.
“No, no, no Nick...with you,” I laughed walking over to him and pulling him into my arms.
“Bre, you have Taylor, and you love him...”
“And I love you too, as a best friend and it’s not like we’re going to do anything, God...all the other guys went clubbing and I don’t want to be all alone, please Nick. I have been alone for a week now and I’m just not comfy with it, so can I please just sleep next to you tonight?” I asked.
He smiled widely, “Does it look like I’m complaining?” he laughed.
“No, not at all, now let me go change, I’ll be back,” I smiled.
“OK.”
After we both changed and got into bed I thought about what I was doing. I love Taylor, I really do God, but I need strength and I need Nick, so badly I do. God, I don’t want to be disloyal to Tay and I don’t think I am. I really think I am just getting to be with a friend...a friend that I have slight feelings for. OK, I admit it God, OK? I have SLIGHT very SLIGHT feelings for Nick, but I don’t love him like Taylor, I can never love someone like I loved and still love Taylor, never. I just need to be with someone for a little while and Nick is that someone, so are the other guys. I moved closer into his arms and he wrapped them around me tight.
God, whatever Bre is thinking is totally fine with me. I cannot tell myself I don’t love her, because I do, SO, SO much. And how we are right now I would love to stay forever, and I know we can’t...but I wish we could.
“AJ, do you know where they went?” Brian asked.
“Hey guys come here,” Howie whispered.
They all walked over and peered into Nick’s room and saw them sleeping in each others arms.
“Is that good or bad B-Rok?” AJ asked wearily.
“I honestly have no clue, I don’t know what to think of those two anymore, I really don’t,” he sighed shaking his head.
“Nick loves her,” Kevin said as they walked away from the door, “And she says she loves him, but is dating Taylor and is MAD love with Taylor. Now Nick, refuses to date other girls because he loves her so much and he is willing to KILL himself in emotional pain for this girl until she falls madly in love with him...which will probably never happen. But SHE knows this and still thinks she is best friends with him and that’s it. I just don’t get it.”
“I don’t get it either Kevin, I don’t think anyone does. But in any case we should just let it be,” Brian smiled.
“Bye,” I cried as I hugged all of them one last time.
“You call me if you need anything you hear? Remember, you are a strong girl and God does everything for a reason, he made you for a reason,” AJ smiled hugging me tight and kissing me softly.
“Thank you.”
“Bye, take care. I’ll see you soon right?” Brian asked grinning.
“Of course!” I laughed.
I gave them all one last look and wiped away my tears as Nick took my bags and helped me in the car. As we drove away I looked over at him and saw the tears at the brim of his eyes. I knew that he was trying his hardest to be kept decent.
“I’m going to miss you SO much Nick, SO much,” I cried holding onto his hand.
“I’m going to miss you to Bre, but I want you to go because I want you to be as happy as ever and I know going will make you happy,” he smiled slightly.
“It will make me SO happy Nicky, please understand that. I will call you every day that I am in Tulsa, then when I leave for Europe I will wait to call you until I get back, OK?” I asked as he got my bags out of the car and we walked into the airport.
“Yeah, now come here,” he said softly taking me into his arms.
I just let him hold me and kiss me. They weren’t hugs or kisses friends should give each other, we both knew that...but I wasn’t going to stop them. They felt too good.
Back to Tulsa: A Love and Hate Story
Chapter 29
Mail the Author Breon2000@aol.com