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Then I just thought about Nick…the word mistake came to mind. I should have staid friends with him. And now I didn’t want to hurt him, leave him. Quietly I opened the door to my room and saw Nick still asleep in the moonlight. Tears streamed down my face, I could smell Nick, but yet I still felt Taylor’s arms around me. Frustrated I laid down beside my boyfriend, ready to dream about my soul mate.
I felt my lips brush against someone’s knowing they were Nick’s. I opened my eyes and wished I saw a different face above mine.
“Morning Cutie,” he smiled.
“Good morning.”
He softly kissed me again and lifted me off the bed. I smiled wrapping my arms around his neck. I didn’t want him to see the pain; I didn’t want to see the painful truth myself.
“You have to get ready, we have to leave soon,” he grinned as he let me stand up.
“Alright,” I sighed walking into the bathroom.
“Bre wait,” he said hoarsely.
I turned my head quickly.
“Are you ok? You seem upset,” he asked softly.
“I’m fine, a little tired, but fine,” I assured closing the bathroom door.
I knew I didn’t satisfy his hunger to know the truth.
I slid on my over sized jeans, ‘starlette’ undersized T-shirt and tugged my hair back in a handkerchief. I slipped on my sandals and walked out of the steamy bathroom. I stood there, saddened; watching Nick put the finishing touches on our packed suitcases.
“God you’re gorgeous,” he grinned grabbing me tight.
I laughed lightly, pretending to be happy, “So are you.”
“So we have a few hours, want to go get breakfast before we leave?” he asked.
“Actually, I wanted to go say good-bye to Tay and then…” I trailed off, forgetting what I was going to say.
“And then what? Go say ‘bye’ it won’t take long, then we can go eat,” he smiled.
I pulled out of Nick’s arms, “Nick, I’m not hungry. Just order room service for yourself, I’ll be back in an hour or so, bye,” I smiled.
He just looked at me hurt and surprised. I dealt with it and left the room, feeling relieved to have left. As I knocked on Tay’s door I waited in anticipation. I actually wanted to see him. When he opened the door my face lit up, I felt safety and knew things would be all right.
“Hey, morning,” he smiled.
“Morning, mind if I come in?” I asked.
He moved and let me in, closing the door.
“Don’t you have to be leaving or something?” he said slightly upset.
I turned my head sighing, “Yeah, but I needed to talk to you, I need you to listen.”
I sunk onto the bed and saw him sit by me. I felt him hug me, but it didn’t process that he did until it was over.
“Baby what’s wrong? Did I do something last night? I thought things were cool,” he asked quietly.
I sat there looking at the ground, “That’s just it, you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. It was so perfect…normal, what I wanted.”
Suddenly I saw his head shoot up and look at me, surprised for sure.
“W…what do you mean?” he asked shakily.
He looked into my eyes then I turned, not letting him see my tears.
“You’re my stability…my life,” I sniffled, “I messed up, big time. Nick and I should have remained friends, I was wrong to get us together and break it off with you. I come to see you and realize what I did. It took me making the most tremendous mistake of my life to realize what I need. Tay…I…I love you.”
He looked at me, shaking his head with a negative look.
“If you feel this way, why’d you leave me?” he asked, “Why did you realize this now?”
His eyes petrified of my answer, only making me hesitate to respond.
“Because…I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I thought that our love faded. I was scared that you were going to hurt me, so I ended it. But I realize that there was no reason to, you love me, I love you.”
He shook his head in agreement, “Well you should have known that to begin with.”
“You don’t need to stick up for yourself Tay, don’t worry. I know I’m to blame, I just, ugh. You’re why I live Tay. When everything else in the world is wrong, you’re right. You never gave in to the depression, or the world in general. You can always make me realize that things will go all right. I guess it just scared me, cause’ for the first time you began to fall. For the first time you gave in. It just made me realize that no matter how hard I try, I can’t get away from the bad. I tried to get away from you so I wouldn’t get sucked in,” by now the tears streamed uncontrollably, “At first when I went with Nick I was right, but then I began to realize that he was falling too. Tay I’m so sorry and I love you.”
He just looked at me…smiling. The smile and his face were wavy through the tears, but it was still picture perfect. He slowly laid me down on the bed, and I didn’t stop him. He lay next to me and began stroking my hair, rubbing my tears away.
“That’s all I ever wanted you to say to me. Ever since I met you, all I wanted was you to say that you couldn’t live without me, that I was your stability, your life. You’re my life too Bre, you’re why I live. Even if you are upset, not with me, all I do is think of you. My life is shown through you,” he gushed.
The smile that I gave to him lasted barely a few seconds. It diminished when I thought of what else there was to say.
“There’s a ‘but’ isn’t there? You love me, I’m you’re life, BUT I’m not going to be part of it, am I?” he sighed saddened.
I shook my head, “I don’t want to leave Nick. I may hate myself forever and not be able to live, but I can’t. He’s not as strong as you, he couldn’t deal with this fact.” I
thought he’d get up, get mad…but he didn’t. He smiled and kissed me. It was a soft, love filled kiss.
“That’s the Bre I know, always looking out for others. I want you to stay with Nick. What I wouldn’t give to have you, but see Nick needs you more then I do. So you stay, go to Florida with him, but I can’t ever see anyone else. I won’t love anyone else.”
I took his hand in mine and used my other to brush his hair off his face.
“God, I love you, you and I will be together again. I don’t know when, but we will.”
“Don’t make empty promises,” he advised.
I kissed him, “I’m not.”
“I want you to promise me one thing. Promise me that you’ll call me every once in a while. It kills me that you’re leaving. I just want to keep in touch, make sure you’re alright.”
“I promise,” I smiled.
We lay there together in each other’s arms for a while, not doing anything. We just lay there, memorizing ever crevice in each other’s faces.
“You really should be going,” he whispered.
“I know, I just don’t want to admit that this is it,” I cried.
“Please baby, don’t cry. We will be together again, you and I both promise,” he smiled warmly.
I slowly stood up, fixing my clothes. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and gave it to me.
“I didn’t write this, I copied them from a Jonny Lang song, but that’s exactly how I feel. Don’t read them in front of me, just take them and go,” he urged.
I knew he didn’t want me to see him cry so I took them and looked at him once more. He seemed like the only real thing in this entire fake world. He seemed like the only thing that mattered in my life, more then myself. Standing in front of me he just seemed so true, real and intelligent. Like nothing could effect him. Unfortunately I knew that when I walked out the door he would crack, and give into the sadness like I was about to. I kissed him lightly.
“Never, ever will I put this behind me,” I smiled.
He just pulled me close and I knew the mutual feeling was love. We enjoyed one last kiss as he took my face into his hands. I just smiled.
“Go on, get,” he laughed, “Don’t leave your new life waiting.”
I nodded as I walked out the door. As soon as it closed I began to cry harder then I ever had before, trying to get gasps of air between each blood-curdling cry. The sad part was even over my sobs…I could hear his.
When I came to my senses and the tears somewhat dried I walked down to the lobby. I still had time before Nick and I would leave. I just couldn’t, didn’t want him to see my yet. I made my way slowly to the lobby and sat by the window looking at the endless rain falling from the sky.
“What a crappy day,” I moaned.
I sat with my head in my hands for a bit until I remembered the note Tay gave me. I pulled it out of my pocket and played with it in my hands for a bit. Just looking at his writing, how he wrote my name saddened me, would I ever see that again? Without me knowing it seemed as though my body instinctively got up and headed out the door. I felt the rain pour heavy onto my body as I walked slowly down the street. I opened the folded paper and began to read it.
whisper in my ear,
well it may be my name you call,
but it’s his name I hear.
You promised me,
through thick and thin,
Well you told me you loved me,
You told me a lie,
Cause’ you love him.
And I’m missing you’re love,
Everyday,
and I’m missing you’re love,
Everyway,
Though you’re here with me,
I’m still missing you’re love baby.
And when we talk,
you look into my eyes,
Well your talking to me,
But baby I can see,
He’s on your mind…
All I could do was cry and let my tears turn to rain. How he found the exact words to say to me how he felt I didn’t know. But to know the truth of how he felt hurt…badly. I continued to walk slowly, almost going backwards. I couldn’t understand how my heart hurt so badly, and how I let someone like him leave my life. I stopped suddenly, watching the ink slide off the page and cover my hands turning them black. I dropped the paper in shock. I just let out a scream and got on the dirty ground to pick up the paper, I didn’t want to loose this piece of him. Once I got on my knees on the sidewalk I staid there, not having the strength to get back up. I looked up at the sky, so gray, dull, uninviting. I let the rain pour onto my face and clean it of the sins I committed. My clothes weighed me down, sulking my whole body.
“WHY?!” was all I could curdle into a cry.
I knelt there on the ground still, banging my hands to the cold cement, not sure of what else to do. I kept screaming, hiding my face in my legs, not wanting anyone to see me. I heard footsteps running towards me, and then felt hands lifting me off the ground. I knew who it was, and almost felt relieved. Tay held me in his arms, and picked up the paper, putting it back in my pocket. I just cried onto his shoulder. We stood there in the rain, I heard him crying too. Both our bodies in soaked clothes, his hair clinging to his face. I saw him move it out of the way and suddenly, instinctively; I leaned in and kissed him. It wasn’t a small kiss, or light. It was deep, passionate, warm, everything a kiss should be.
“I’ll never let you fall, remember?” he smiled.
I just cupped his face in my hands and kissed him again, not letting his mouth leave mine. He wrapped his arms around my cold shaking body, and the tremors stopped.
Nick watched out the window, watching every move Bre did. He watched her kiss and hold Taylor, smile in his direction. He watched them both cry in anguish. His heart broke, right there on the spot. Not only did he feel pain, but stupidity. How could he have thought that he could ever compare to that? How could he have actually thought he would be with such an amazing girl? He wasn’t that lucky. Tears fell as he watched his “girlfriend” outside with the man she loved, which wasn’t him.
“She deserves him, he deserves her. I…I…I don’t deserve to even be here right now,” he cried to himself.
The blind closed and Nick threw his head onto the cold, blocked out window. His tears trickled down the blind. They almost seemed to be colored red, the tears of his bleeding heart.
I walked back up to my room and looked at the door, not really sure what to say or do. I knew I was soaked and looked awful, but I also felt guilty and awful on the inside. There was nothing I could do now. Tay had walked me back up, and with one final kiss we departed. He went back to his room and I was left to fend for myself…something I should have started to do a long time ago. Tay had soothed me when I need it most, and once again proved to me that there was hope. I just didn’t know how to act around Nick. I knew I could put on another façade and pretend to be happy. I just didn’t know how long I could keep up with this charade I called my life.
Suddenly I stopped thinking and jumped back into reality. I didn’t think of Tay anymore, nor did I think of happiness. All I thought about was how I was going to cover up my hideous appearance.
I twisted the knob on the door and slowly walked in. To my surprise Nick said nothing to me. He smiled in my direction.
“Hurry up Angel, we’re leaving soon. You might want to change and get warm…or I could keep you warm,” he grinned deviously.
I just looked at him in shock. I guess part of me WANTED him to get mad, ask where I was. I didn’t understand.
“O…Ok,” I smiled shakily, “I’ll go change, then you can keep me warm.”
“Cheer up cutie,” he smiled kissing me, “I can’t wait to spend time, just the two of us.”
I smiled kissing him back, “Neither can I.”
As Bre walked into the bathroom to change Nick tossed him onto the bed and let out a heavy sigh. It was going to take everything he had to stay happy and blind about what was going on around him. His plan was to stay with her until after they spent time alone in Florida. Part of him just thought she would change and realize that she shouldn’t have done what she did. Part of him just knew that he just needed to give it more time. The other part hurt like hell though, and didn't even want to be around anymore…in more ways then one.
Back to Tulsa: A Love and Hate Story
Chapter 43