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I sat in my room, my face drenched with tears. The week I had spent at Nick's was anything but enjoyable...it was pure hell. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to hold in so many emotions, and then let them out so uncontrollably. The whole week was spent pretending to be in pure love, while I secretly dreamt of Taylor. For my birthday we went out to dinner. It wasn't anything special. I thought when I turned 16 something would click, life would make sense. Now I was 16 and nothing was different.... nothing clicked. Although Nick pleaded to come back to Connecticut with me, I refused. I just wanted to be alone for a while. The awards were tomorrow and things were beginning to become a whirlwind, like they mostly were, but this time it was insane.
Liz's father finally had passed on, and to my surprise it was taken much healthier then I thought. While I was with Nick I had received the call and I broke down, adding more pain to my problems. I perked up when I realized she wasn't crying at all. She never shed a tear. I guess it was one of those things, where, when it's over it's over and for the best. She had explained to me that she expected it, and she knew that somehow he knew things were right in her life again, he could move on. I never went to the funeral, only knowing it would bring about too much, also afraid to be in the same room as Taylor.
I looked down at my watch, wiping away tears that cascaded my face. I had to go meet up with Elizabeth. Now that I could drive we were heading into New York for fittings for the awards. I was still going with the Backstreet Boys, going to support Nick in the long run. Although my heart was undecided, my head supported Nick. I had found out from Liz that Taylor was still going alone, which hurt me in a way. I was just too confused. All I knew was that the awards were tomorrow, and not nearly enough time to try and figure it all out. Once again it was decided that my personal life would have to be put behind my Fame once again.
Nick sat on his bed and watched the dark rain clouds cover the sun. That single moment defined his whole life. Although Bre tried to hide her pain, he knew what was really going on. When she left to go back to Connecticut and refused to let him accompany her he knew that nothing was going to change. He also knew that he didn't want this life...at all. Nothing meant anything anymore; it all seemed so pointless. At first he figured he'd wait until after the awards but then decided against it.
It was now that he would make the biggest and worst decision of his life. He was going to head up to Bre’s this morning so he could be there by tomorrow morning. The awards would follow that night, but he had a plan that would change everything.
When I walked into the store a kind saleswoman greeted me whom I had met before. I had decided on Versace for the awards because almost all my dresses came for that store and I almost knew everyone like family.
“Ahh, hello Breanne, you must be here with the Hanson Party, correct?” she smiled.
“Um, no actually, I am here to buy a dress. I am meeting Elizabeth Burroughs here though,” I said.
“That’s what I meant, this way,” she directed.
I followed he to a back room like I was I was used to doing. What I wasn’t ready for was what I saw…which was everyone.
“Um, hi,” I mumbled.
They all nodded as Liz pulled me to the side.
“Sorry, the boys came to get their outfits too. Plus, when Tay found out you were going to be here he jetted out the door. Anything you want to tell me about?” she asked quizzically.
I quickly shook my head no. Inside my heart raced with happiness, but my head ached with confusion and pain.
“Ok…” I said shakily.
Nick finished his letter to Bre as tears streamed down his face. He dropped it slowly into the mailbox by his house.
“Don’t be a pussy Nick, you don’t want to be here. No one’s going to miss you either,” he cried walking back to his car.
His parents left for California so he had no one to say good-bye to. He just slowly walked to his Durango with his suit for the awards, that he would never end up wearing.
“I don’t want her in pain anymore. It kills me that I’m causing this pain and I don’t want to. She’s not happy with me anymore, and I can’t live without her…so I guess I won’t live.”
I sat there in uncomfortable silence. The boys had picked out their outfits along with Lynn, Liz and I. The only thing was they had all left but Tay and I. He had to fix a few things on what he was wearing while I still had to try on my dress. The dress I was wearing was a deep crimson and flowed down to the ground. It was a lightweight material with a back that was open down to the small of my back. The front was low cut and had rhinestone straps, which cris-crossed all down the back. The dress itself was simple and utterly beautiful. Although I found the perfect dress the setting was awful.
I took the dress and began to walk to one of the dressing rooms to try it on. I watched Taylor’s eyes pierce into me as he watched my every move from his chair. Inside I knew the only reason he stayed was so we could talk, I just didn’t know if I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to again. The whole setting was perfect and felt so right, I just wouldn’t let myself feel it.
I opened the door to the large dressing room. It had a large mirror, two chairs and a very wide wooden bench built into the wall. Suddenly I felt arms wrap around me. I spun around and saw Taylor standing there. His smile lit up my face and I felt him push me into the dressing room with him. We didn’t say a word; I just threw down the dress and wrapped my arms around his neck. We moved to the bench of the room and began to make out heavily. I stopped and looked into his eyes.
“Why are we doing this?” I gasped out.
“Because we’re in love,” he smiled.
Part of me wanted to run away…far away. The other part, the part that won told me to stay. I took his face in my hands and kissed him gently.
“So, why don’t you try that dress on?” he winked.
I hit him lightly as I stood up.
“Care to help me?” I grinned.
“Thought you’d never ask,” he grinned deviously.
He stood up and walked over to me, “Forget the dress, you will look good in anything.”
“You would look good in anything too,” I smiled.
“Especially in you,” he whispered in my ear.
“Let’s see.”
I slipped off my sandals and felt his cool hands on my shoulders. They slowly moved down my back and unzipped the light purple dress that covered me.
“Nothing else but a dress and sandals, were you expecting this?” he laughed lightly.
I just laughed back before he kissed me again. He stood back and looked for a second before he held me in his arms.
“You have to be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Actually you are the only girl I’ve ever seen.”
We both blushed as I kissed his cheeks. Slowly I took off his shirt as he watched contently as my fingertips brushed his skin. They traveled downward as I softly kissed his neck. I felt his muscles tense as my hands carefully undid and dropped his pants. I continued moving my hands up and down his excitement as he moaned loudly into my mouth.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I love you Tay.”
He knew what I meant by that and we moved to the bench.
“They must have had this in mind when they built this,” he chuckled.
I laughed a response before my lips could be covered with his. My body began to heat and tremble in anticipation. I hadn’t been with him or anyone like this for a while. It just felt so right. His hands glided down my shoulders and arms. I felt his lips trail down my neck and collarbone. As his warm breath beat on my breasts I shivered. I felt his lips meet with my skin and elicited a moan. I pushed his head harder on me, begging for more. I could feel his excitement press against the inside of my thigh and I moved my leg to rub it. He groaned loudly and the vibrations of his voice on my body made me yell out. He looked up and kissed me once again.
“Shh, you have to be quiet baby,” he smiled.
“Don’t stop,” I moaned.
He obliged and went further down my body, not missing an inch. I placed my hands on his back and rubbed it the way I knew he liked it. His hair stuck to his face with sweat and I let out another scream when I felt his fingers enter me. He pushed them in and out a bit, making me yell out his name into his shoulder.
“Are you ready for the real thing?” he asked sexily in my ear.
I shook my head and whimpered when he exited his fingers. Soon enough he was positioned above me. I felt his arms wrap around me and his face rest in the crook of my neck.
“I love you,” he whispered.
He penetrated me gently and my hands grabbed his shoulders as I screamed in pain and pleasure. He stopped and looked at me, making sure I was all right. He knew it was just because I hadn’t done this in a while. I smiled back, kissing every inch of his face. Our bodies moved to the same rhythm and we were once again completely one. Within minutes we came together and I felt him fall onto me exhausted.
“I love you,” I whispered into his ear.
I just felt his sweaty head nod a yes and his breathing start to calm down.
Nick put down his cell phone.
“Jesus where is she?” he moaned.
He had been calling for the past hour in the car to tell her he was on his way. Part of him actually thought she cared.
“She does though, I know she cares…just not the way she used to.”
He steered into the middle lane and continued to drive, silently, morbidly.
Taylor sat in my car with me. We had left the dressing room, finally, and I purchased the dress along with his outfit. We had driven to a small empty parking lot where we could talk alone. I was the first to break the silence.
“Baby you know I’m still going to the awards with Nick…” I began.
He shook his head but kept his face turned away from me.
“Tay please look at me,” I pleaded.
After what felt like an eternity he looked back…his face covered in tears.
“What did I do wrong? How did I lose you? Please Bre tell me the truth, do you love him like you love me?” he cried.
I moved my body on top of his, sitting in his lap.
“First off don’t make me answer that,” I sighed.
“No, answer it,” he demanded.
I sat there and let out a heavy sigh, “No I don’t.”
“Then what did I do to make you go with him?”
“You didn’t do anything. I left you and I don’t know why Tay, I just don’t know. I guess I just felt trapped, and when I saw you crack I was afraid I would too. The sad part is I was too ignorant to realize I would fall anyway. Nick was just such a good friend; I should have just left it at that. But I was too greedy; I needed more, when really I didn’t. I can’t loose Nick right now though; him and I have this unbelievable friendship that I don’t want to loose. Just please, do whatever you can do get happy again Tay.”
“You are what makes me happy Bre, don’t you get it? I came here to be with you. When you are in love with someone proximity’s a good thing.”
“But we love each other so much Tay, we’re meant to be. If this means that it will be a while before we’re together again then so be it. What I did to deserve you, I can’t say why. I fucked up move then anyone else in the world…yet you keep taking me back. I love you Tay.”
“I love you too.”
We kissed again passionately and then I got back in the driver’s seat.
“Let me get you back to the hotel,” I sighed.
He nodded and looked down at my cell phone.
“Who called so many times?” he wondered aloud.
“That would be Nick,” I said softly.
“It always is,” he said grudgingly.
I just looked at him with hurt eyes. I guess I deserved it.
My parents had gone away for a few days, nothing new to me. It seemed like they were always somewhere else lately. I understood with a new baby on the way in a month it was hard for them. But I felt shut out of their life, like I had my own. Like my life was too good for theirs and they needed their own. I didn’t know if it was hurt, envy or confusion that made me feel what I did towards them. All I knew was that I wanted them, I wanted to just cry into my mother’s arms like I used to. Before I became involved with what I did, I remember the nights. I used to lie on my parent’s bed, crying about how awful the day at school might have been how I couldn’t get the dance move down in class. Or maybe how no boy ever loved me, how I never felt important. Now all of what I once wanted came true and I still wanted to just lay there and cry. Only now, I didn’t have them to cry with, all I had was me.
I had called Nick back and he was on the road. He would get to my house by eight and then the awards would be that night. By the conversation I could tell we were both so excited, and I really was. I wanted to go with him, and have a great time. It’s just that I thought of it as going with a friend, not a boyfriend. A single tear fell down my cheek and I just closed my eyes, never really wanting to open them again.
Nick’s car flew down the parkway, not passing many cars in return. It was 4:00am and not many people were on the roads, it was now or never.
His plan was to kill himself…simple as that, purposely crash his car. He didn’t want to leave his life up to fate anymore. He knew that Bre was no longer happy with him. But he also knew she wouldn’t leave him to he with Tay. He didn’t want to confront her about it but he wanted her happy. The only way she would be happy would be if she was with Tay, and if she was with Tay he couldn’t live…so he was going to solve everything. Get Bre with Tay and kill himself all in one shot. Only it was going to look like an accident, the only person that would ever know the truth would be Bre…that’s what the letter he wrote her was for.
Tears fell from his eyes, mostly pain stricken but also from fear. What would if feel like? What would happen? He wasn’t thinking about anyone but himself and Bre, and this was the way to go or so he thought.
“God this is so awful,” he cried, “How will this work? What if I don’t die? No I will, I have to. This is, how am I going to crash?”
He looked and saw a large drop off on the side of the road up ahead.
“If I fly through the guard rails and fly down there that’ll definitely kill me,” he thought aloud, “And make it look like an accident.”
His palms sweat and images of Bre and himself filled his already scared head. His heart rate began to race when he once again realized he couldn’t have those images anymore. His head began to spin and his stomach turned in anticipation, suspense and ultimate fear. He un-did his seat belt and pushed his foot on the gas pedal as hard as he could.
“I love you Bre, never ever forget that,” he cried to himself.
There were a good amount of cars building on the roads now and he knew one of them would report the accident. He wanted to die, but at least have people know he died. This was it; everything was in place…he would no longer feel alone. He sped over 90 mph and things passed him in little specs. Nick quickly spun the steering wheel and rammed through the guardrail. He let out a blood-curdling scream as his head smashed into the roof of the car as it flew in the air. He saw the ground get closer and he closed his eyes as the car began to flip over and over down the large hill. Nick suddenly felt pain all over his body…then within moments there was nothing. Nick never saw the dark clouds cover the rising sun that morning.
Back to Tulsa: A Love and Hate Story
Chapter 44